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It's Christmas — the season for making merry, going out and, if you're single, trying to snog people under the mistletoe before the pubs close.
So I thought it would be a good time to look at one of the oldest assumptions in the Men vs Women book: I don't like the bar example. First, and most obviously, it is not universally true. There are women and I am one of them who have walked up to guys in bars, asked them for sex, and been flat-out refused.
Likewise I've known men who have been able to get quick and easy sex with very little effort. Second, not only does the bar example prop up unhelpful stereotypes about men that they always want sex , because biology and testosterone and grrr , it also drives a hammer-blow into the self-esteem of any woman who has been turned down for a casual shag. Claiming that women can get sex just by clicking their fingers sets horny women up for a lifetime of disappointment, and gives men a reputation they can never possibly live up to.
If you're into odd sexual studies, like me, you'll probably be thinking of the Russell Clark experiment. In , at Florida State University, students directed by Clark a social psychology professor , approached people of the opposite sex at random and all asked the same question:. I find you to be attractive. Would you go to bed with me tonight? Assuming that men aren't simply aroused by awkwardly worded sentences, let's see why this might be the case.
Clark believed there was an evolutionary reason: He backs this up by pointing to another part of the experiment which, curiously, is much less commonly cited that when the proposition changed to "would you like to go out with me tonight? Others have suggested that it's about socially learned behaviour: Yet others have suggested that it's more about risk aversion: I suspect we're affected by a combination of those factors, but that doesn't matter for this discussion, because I'm going to take the conclusions of the experiment as read: So — happy ever after, then?
Presumably I, and all the rest of the women, can now simply pick and choose whom we want to have sex with and — with little to no effort on our part — entice them into bed, orgasm ourselves rigid, and frolick forever in our sexual Utopia?
It almost goes without saying that people want different kinds of sex. You might like giving head, whereas I'd prefer it if you gave me a hand job. I might like it rough and quick, while my friend wants to make much more gentle love. The fact that we all differ in preferences is obvious if you've watched any porn, read a book, or seen any human interaction ever.
Although the bar example seems to show women in a very privileged and powerful position — the ones who hold the keys to the sexual kingdom, if you like — what is actually on offer is a very limited type of sex: This is problematic, because even if we accept the "women can easily get sex" proposition as true, we're not saying that women can fulfil their sexual needs easily, only that women can have this specific type of sex easily.
I'm happy to admit that women might be less inclined although not universally dis inclined — there are plenty of us on Craiglist too towards casual sex with strangers, for one or all of the reasons stated above. But that doesn't mean that men necessarily have stronger sexual desire.
It's possible that all the women approached in the bar are horny, or would love a shag, they just wouldn't want the kind of shag they'd imagine is on offer when a total stranger approaches them for a quickie. This experiment has been repeated a few times since the original. You can see fun examples of it on YouTube , and Clark himself repeated it in , and as recently as with similar results.
Failing any dramatic changes in societal norms around sex, I'd expect the results to be similar if it were repeated today. But that's not particularly surprising. The experiment and the bar example both offer a very specific type of sex. The type of sex that, rightly or wrongly, is associated with male desire and fantasy. Whether this is fantasy is biologically led, socially implanted, or simply a massive and mistaken generalisation on our part, it is nevertheless accepted as true, and provides the foundation on which the bar example is built.
Seen from this angle, the bar example fruitlessly begs the question, and amounts to no more than saying "men are likely to accept the kind of sex that we think men like".
This tells us nothing about levels of female sexual desire, or whether we are indeed in a privileged position when it comes to sex. In fact, any attempt to draw conclusions about female sexual need based on a sexual offer defined by male fantasy is as good an example of male privilege as anything else. I like sex more than some people, but less than others. You like different types of sex to me.
There are hundreds of different things that prompt our decision to say "yes" to this particular person but "no" to that one. But whether it's society, biology, anecdote or sheer loneliness that prompts our sexual interactions, it's deeply unhelpful to tell women that they are privileged just because they can walk into a bar and have casual sex.
It's much more interesting, surely, to ask: But science says so! In , at Florida State University, students directed by Clark a social psychology professor , approached people of the opposite sex at random and all asked the same question: Is all sex the same?
Why is this example used? Topics Science Brain flapping. Psychology Gender Science and scepticism Relationships blogposts. Order by newest oldest recommendations. Show 25 25 50 All. Threads collapsed expanded unthreaded. Loading comments… Trouble loading?
The world learnt of Noiva do Cordeiro when its women appealed for men to come to the town last year. In the public plea Nelma Fernandes told a newspaper: Some of women are married with families — but their husbands are made to work away from home during the week, before returning at weekends. The settlement dates back to the s when a young woman — accused of adultery — and her family were excommunicated from the Catholic church.
Women gradually came to the town and swelled the female-dominant population — but in a pastor — Anisio Pereira took one of the women, aged 16, as his wife and set up a strict church. He imposed strict puritanical rules on the female community — banning them from drinking alcohol, listening to music or using any contraception. At the last population count Victoria had the worst man drought — 98 males to every females — in the country.
And although those figures don't sound too bad, across the state there were Sophie — a single woman, aged 26 — said she would be happy to move home if she were to meet a man outside the state. A recent census showed one in five Hong Kong women will remain single for the rest of their lives.
With so many young women vying for the opposite sex's attention — men can work harder in their younger years before choosing to look for love.
For the first time ever population records show gender imbalance is a global problem with the huge countries — like India and China — dominated by men. It is therefore vital places like Dongguan, Noiva do Cordeiro and Victoria are celebrated and become holiday hotspots for men across the world.
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The number of partnerless women in their 30s has almost doubled since The challenge is greatest for high-achieving women in their 30s looking for equally successful men. Analysis of census figures by the Monash University sociologist, Genevieve Heard, reveals that almost one in four of degree-educated women in their 30s will miss out on a man of similar age and educational achievement.
There were only 68, unattached graduate men in their 30s for 88, single graduate women in the same age group. The 30s are worrying years for high-achieving women who long for marriage and children - of course, not all do - as they face their rapidly closing reproductive window surrounded by men who see no rush to settle down.
And the higher-education gap keeps widening. In the past year, the proportion of degree-educated women aged 25 to 34 rose from The high expectations of professional women are a big part of the story. Many high-achieving women simply are not interested in Mr Average, says Justin Parfitt, the owner of Australia's fastest growing speed-dating organisation, Fast Impressions.
He finds many of his female members are determined to meet only men who are tall, attractive, wealthy and well educated. They want the alpha males. Sixty per cent of his members are female. Most are over During their 20s, women compete for the most highly desirable men, the Mr Bigs.
Many will readily share a bed with the sporty, attractive, confident men, while ordinary men miss out. As Whiskey puts it at whiskeysplace. Data from American colleges show 20 per cent of males - the most attractive ones - get 80 per cent of the sex, according to an analysis by Susan Walsh, a former management consultant who wrote about the issue on her dating website, hookingupsmart.
That leaves a lot of beta men spending their 20s out in the cold. Greg, a year-old writer from Melbourne, started adult life shy and lonely. They could make or break you with one look in a club or bar. They had the choice of men, sex was on tap and guys like me went home alone, red-faced, defeated and embarrassed. The girls only wanted to go for the cool guys, good looks, outgoing personalities, money, sporty types, the kind of guys who owned the room, while us quiet ones got ignored.
He barely had a date through much of his 20s and gave up on women. But then he spent time overseas, gained more confidence, learnt how to dress well and hit his early 30s.
The floodgates burst open for me. I actually dated five women at once, amazing my flatmates by often bedding three to four of my casual dates each week. It is a great time as a male in your 30s, when you start getting more female attention and sex than you could ever have dreamt of in your 20s. That's when some men start behaving very badly - as the manosphere clearly shows.
These internet sites are not for the faint-hearted. The voices are often crude and misogynist. But they tell it as they see it. There is Greenlander, an apparently successful engineer in his late 30s.
In his early adult life, he was unable to ''get the time of day from women''.
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