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First off, I'm 24 years old and white. If you are interested please send me a picture. We made eye contact like 4-5 times in those few minutes. BTW, i wear a 3XL motorcycle driving glike and am heavy handed. I am attached so this will be totally discreet. Mentally and perhaps physiy.
How close is he to that female friend? How often do they hang out? Do they spend time alone? How sexy is she? What do they do together? Does she flirt with him? If my guy is hanging out with another woman, frankly I wonder why he would rather spend his free time with her and not me.
The idea of your boyfriend having platonic female friendships on the side of your actual relationship will always be tricky. What really matters here is how you are made to feel whenever your guy hangs out with a female friend. Does your guy go to an effort to make you feel safe and loved at all times, and never give you reason to doubt his loyalty? Is he completely open and free when he talks about other women i.
To be frank, this is an issue for which I would never offer a concrete prescription because I just know that so many couples vary wildly in their rules for platonic friendships. They have friends with whom they see movies, drink cocktails, go to music concerts, and even whose house they sleep over.
The friendship that turns one woman green with envy, another will shrug off and even happily encourage. Stephen Hussey helped co-write the Get The Guy book and is a wealth of knowledge on dating and relationships. Your email address will not be published. Notify me of follow-up comments via e-mail. No one has stated the obvious what if scenario. Hi, I was going out was a lady for a year.
I noticed a change in our relationship when she continuously stated I love you and you make me feel safe then asked for the key back. Then she gave me the key back to help her with her cats. So I got the key back and one weekend said her 11 year old son was staying with her. So I let her be and I had a wired vibe in my gut so I drove by the apt and found a suv parked in my spot.
I was stupid and knocked on the door then walked in and found a guy in the apt. He claimed he went upstairs to tell her someone was here and she came down the staircase drunk and totally naked. I walked up to see if her son was in the apt no where to b found went in the bedroom and found this guy sitting clothed on the bed. Is this woman nuts or just screwing this guy who she says nothing is going on due to him being her best friend.
When I ask her if he stays over she says no but his vehicle is there. I am or was deeply in love with her but she also claims she hurts the ones she lives due to her being a victim of child abuse in which she claims the father molested her from years of age. I just normal chat in facebook with my female friends. Now what can I do? Shit I am confused. I married a man who has female friends that he has been friends with for most of his life.
And I was OK with that until I learned about his young 25 year old friend with three small children. She happens to be unhappy in her marriage. So immediately i was alarmed. All my senses were on fire. Come to find out he went to see this friend without me after I asked him not to be cause I felt uncomfortable with it.
I thought to myself yea right? And if they do good for you. But why would you text a married 54 year old man ex drug addict that you have some stuff stuff stuff and then text you know I am just joking right? I was mad when he told me he went to see her after he dropped me off for work. Next I have two life long male friends.
One is an ex boyfriend from when I was And the other is an ex husband of 9 years. I no longer desire these two males and I am legitimately concerned for them so I talk to them every now and then and I like to check in on them to make sure they are still alive. I have no sexual feelings for them at all whatsoever. Me and my husband have excellent sex. I would not have married him if I wanted these two men from my past nor anyone else.
But I am wrong Because I have had sex with these two men before my husband and I got married. I have never cheated on my husband and I do not have any desire to cheat on him.
So now what do we do about this? There needs to be boundaries. All a relationship is is sexual attraction with someone you enjoy hanging out with. But social media has made it normal and easy for outsiders to intrude into your private lives. When I got into my relationship with my boyfriend, I stopped hanging out with my guy friends because I could recognize that most if not all of them saw me as someone they could hopefully get at one day.
And this has been the case most of my life. If your boyfriend is hanging out with other females and then only thing keeping him from doing anything with her is you, then you already have a problem. The guy I have been with for 17 yrs.
We are trying to make it through this but yet he still talks to the lady and sleeps with her in her bed. He tells me sometimes he just sleeps in the chair. What should I do? Men and women cannot be friends. There is always a sexual urge for one or both of them, whether or not they realize or admit to it. I wish my boyfriend would see it that way like he was before when he met me. He had a problem with men on my FB Page So I removed all the Men To make us happy but instead he went behind my back and added more females to his page.
Which shows me no respect for me like I did for him. He had explosive pictures of women showing how their body parts plus he was secretly talking to a few of these women. What kind of man is that? I have been with my narcissist husband for 12 yrs — married 6. I had no idea she existed as he told me he loved me all the time.
Fast forward a year. She is still in the picture — single — and they have conversations behind my back. HE does not make me a priority — he lies — but what is astounding to me is that this other woman is FINE with it. WHY does she want a married man? I am not a controlling person. But I do expect respect. He actually lent her dollars!!! I am so angry that this continues behind my back when he swears he only wants us to be happy.
How am I happy with single, attractive, disrespectful women in his orbit? I have filed for divorce. I told him before. You want female friends?? Bring her to the house — talk to her on the phone in front of me — stop these secret text messages…. Could he do it? THAT is a different story. PS How did I find out about her? He left his phone unlocked and I found text messages..
I bought you some t shirts!! He can have her. They deserve each other. My boyfriend has a friend called kadee they are quit good friends I guess but I do not know her. Should I be okay with that? Men and women cant be friends period!!!! And if youre in a relationship what do you need female friends for? Your girlfriend, fiancee, wife should be your only female friend. Ive seen how the line can be blurred when men and women are supposedly friends. If your girl doesnt like your female friends its for a reason.
I think to keep the peaxe a male shoukd keep his female friends to a comfortable distance.
And if they are… mostly there is always a place for misinterpretation. I think with new friends one feels it rather out, where is it heading. However as one of my Exes phrased it, when I asked him the standard question about a girl who was coming at him really hard at the time: And I think he was in a way right.
At one point or the other it pops up. So why force someone to a decision of losing a good old friend for a new love interest?
They will respect the choice their friend makes and at one point they will disappear, if someone is pushing it.
But is it really the way to treat these friends, just because of their sex? Occasionally friends have priority over loves and as I wrote above these people can be like family. So what if the love interest is not OK with them? Will you call either of the relationships quits or try to ease the people into accepting the existence of the other? As for the questions which Stephen mentioned at the end of this post, let me answer them from my point of view:.
Because they need to catch up undisturbed and free of judgement. She needs the uninfluenced opinion of her friend which she highly values , and his point of view is somehow unique for her. She just speaks male language better. But OK… I give you this: But then you can just invite her though him to a few group events and see how it goes. Be patient and awesome, you will be invited as and when. And an invitation from his female friend to such a private meet-up is the biggest compliment she can ever give to you.
But yeah I totally loved this response as it spoke about the other side, that is the friend of the opposite sex. D and found some valid points in it. Thank you so much for your reply to this thread.
But your post has really put me at ease with it all. So thanks, and thank you for being an awesome female friend to your guy s too! I thank you for that too. Your expectation as a friend is exclusive intimacy with someone who is trying to start a new intimate relationship with someone else. That is the problem at its most basic. Some women may be content with another woman taking up emotional energy and enjoying that level of intimacy with her new partner, but most would probably rather he put that into the new relationship, especially if a romantic relationship is started with the intent of it becoming more serious.
And I certainly would not try to set up a situation where the new girlfriend is excluded for good if she asks more than twice in 5 years to be included. That sounds like a really possessive friend, to me. I agree with Sara. Time and energy are resources in limited supply, why would a partner want to invest intimate alone, close, one on one time with anyone not their partner of the opposite sex. Most female friends of mine set boundaries with me once they start talking to a guy they like, it demonstrates respect and consideration for him and the relationship, it also serves as a foundation for trust, safety and security.
I get where you are coming from but at the same time if you know that whenever your guy friends get into a relationship you get less and less. Women, i find, can be great company and there is less sexual poking with women. Plus, if i put in time with a guy outside of main relationship then it is like i am putting in time with some other guy that I enjoy spending time with. Also, i think there is a physical and emotional part to a relationship.
Also, there is the closeness part of the emotional relationship bc we are putting in one on one time together where we can bond even more than when you could in a group of ppl and attention is more spread out. Why not talk to some current female friends. She comes to him for platonic comfort because her argument is: I need him to be here for me.
I respect that they were friends before, but my boo and I are going to move forward together. And I feel like the female friend, needs to honor and respect that. It makes my boyfriend uncomfortable to have to be in this situation at all and it puts strain on OUR relationship knowing that his actions make me uncomfortable as well. Then you meet someone and maybe that person stays for the entire novel. And the reason they stay til the end, is because you give their story focus for the rest of the book.
The previous character might make guest appearances here and there, but ultimately, you and your partner will finish the book together. Glad I saw this comment. As a man with a couple of platonic relationships and an understanding girlfriend I thought some of the reactions were a bit scary and glad my girlfriend has been very relaxed she equally has a some male platonic relationships. I really think it is about setting clear boundaries but not drawing attention to it.
In one friendship I invited her out for a meal for the first time and made it clear it was as a friend. There was a little awkwardness with one friend who kept dropping friendzone hints, which can be equally damaging to a friendship until I made it clear that there was no romantic interest. Another friend got a bit touchy until I subtly probably unsubtly mentioned girlfriend in the conversation as a reminder and she stopped, etc.
Of course if someone chose to spend time with another, what with work commitments, hobbies, interests, friendships of the same sex, family etc then you would question that conscious decision.
But often friendships with the opposite sex, even though you are in a relationship, can be because of work or geographical distances. Partly this can be detrimental because we probably tend to even be friends with the opposite sex we find attractive subconsciously and there can be an awful lot of emotional intimacy and closeness without any hint of actual sex going on! More dangerous if the friend is single definitely. I was getting all antsy with the last couple of posts about friends of the opposite sex because this is such a tricky area.
I agree with all that you have said here and appreciate that you recognize that there are no prescriptions when it comes to friendships like these. I believe most healthy couples can sort things out when it comes to where they stand wrt to friends and negotiate what works best for everybody—including the friends.
A major point I would like to add here is the issue of fairness. It is ok for them to visit a strip club or flirt with other women on a boys night in town. And these kinds of relationships are best dissolved. The thing about insecure, jealous and controlling people is that this side of theirs will show up in at least one or more areas of their relationship because that is how they deal with problems.
Usually not always , we can figure out if a partner has a genuine concern or is just a controlling person. They Whisky test is interesting. For ourselves, we have to be honest with ourselves. Most people will justify their choices as it was all just innocent and then go ahead and do something stupid.
A few good and hard questions we can ask ourselves when we are spending time with the opposite sex are:. Would I keep this a secret from my partner either in part or whole?
Can I recognize when a boundary has been violated? Will I be able and willing to reassert it? What will I do if this happens? Can I will I do what is ethical?
Are we genuinely just friends or am I seeking validation, attention or whatever… from this friend that I might not be getting from my partner? Or perhaps I am getting all this from my partner but I want more, just because? I think if a person honestly answers these questions, they can figure out if their friendship is really innocent or dangerous. Do you watch Mad Men? All I could think of while reading your comment was Don Draper, and how much I wanted to slug him in every episode for his full-on unabashed hypocrisy on this topic.
Too close to reality for some? The other woman was just expressing her opinion and thoughts. Thank you for writing about this topic. I would really love to have a guy friend. Wanting to spend time with her maybe go on vacations. It seems like a slippy slope of temptation. If I had a male friend, I would probably start to distance myself from him when he had a relationship.
I would get to know his girl and start hopefully to be both their friends. Perhaps, it would work if boundaries where in place. I have a couple of guy friends who I knew in university, lost touch with, then reconnected with on facebook in the past few years. In the other case, I mostly just see the guy one on one for coffee.
In both, we talk about all the same stuff I talk about with my girlfriends—work, relationships, life, the universe and everything. Do we want to risk our friendship by trying something that might go horribly wrong? Are we really just friends, or fooling ourselves? Now, though, the question of sexual tension is irrelevant, because the idea of Something Happening is off the table.
I mean, like with any situation, honesty, awareness and tact would be key features here. Thank you much for taking the time to reply. Very hopeful and that is so great that you have continued to have those guy friends: Good luck, and I hope you find good ways to navigate this in your relationships: I get what you are saying but i also wonder how these married guy friends have so much free time to spend with you?
Sometimes i think having some friends of the opposite sex is a good thing simply bc it makes my man look hotter and keeps me on my toes. But if he is spending one on one time with them bonding away, then it is like a threesome. And i wonder how close they are and if i am even any different than her. Why am i bothering to commit to him, become emotional with him, and do sexual more risky things with him if he has some girl that can provide the comfort and emotions.
Am i just for the physicalness then? A lot of things in this posting I agree with, but a woman knows with that gut feeling that a lot of us ignore all too often that tells us something is just not right with the relationship our significant other is having with a person of the opposite sex. Also if it makes you uncomfortable with the situation and your partner does not acknowledge your feelings and gets angry and defensive then that could be a problem.
Most people have a lot of insecurities and it is part of our significant other to reassure us that is not the case, and if hanging out with this friend without you makes you feel horrible then that discusion needs to happen. Your feelings are not always your significant others to fix without any work on your behalf, if they are not willing to stop seeing their friend and it bothers you tremendously then you must decide what is more important your feelings, or your relationship including the friendship with the other person.
I agree with you. If thy are emotionally close then it is like they are in an emotional relationship and i find that that leads to a physical relationship at some point. This is a great follow up post to your previous article, and although I agree with you on the whole, that there are no real set rules regarding having friends of the opposite sex whilst you are in a relationship.
Surely if you a women or a man for that matter of high value, you should be open, honest, relaxed with and considerate of your partner, and therefore feel at least more secure with how your partner interacts with friends of the opposite sex? On the flip side, I feel that if you are in a relationship which you recognise to be controlling and manipulative, with a person who tries to dictate to you then you should run as fast and as hard as Usain Bolt at the Olympics.
Thank you so much for the compliment. I am absolutely loving your responses to other posts too. In my own experience, I have never had an issue with partners having friends of the opposite sex as the majority of my own friends are male. I believe this statement to be very accurate. This is a sad but regular occurrence which has been known to trap many people in unsatisfactory relationships which ultimately make them feel even more need for reaffirmation vicious cycle. Be a women of high value.
Respect yourself and others around you for who they are. Thanks for the great reply. It seems like we might be kindred spirits in some ways! Hindsight is an amazing thing—in most of my romantic involvements, there have been problems which, if I look back, I can see were there from the beginning…but I wanted to give the benefit of the doubt, not judge too harshly, etc.
To pick a wildly random example. The cycle that you mention is a vicious one indeed. We convince ourselves of so many things, often without even realizing it, that just end up getting in the way of reality and decent functioning.
I have had males friends and i have found some of them to be cool but a good portion sexually poke. Also, i found that hanging with a bunch of guys made me feel less in touch with my femininity. With a guy, i get only a lil bit of time maybe every few months and then he is gone, it is hardly satisfying. I feel that you are right, of course people have their off days, but there is a major difference between being a little crabby or unfocused with someone and being rude or mean on purpose.
Haha, love the last phrase of your blog post! I appreciate that you mention that there is no preset rule in how to treat the issue! While I do believe — and have seen proof — that the advice and programs I provide can help you improve your love life , please understand that not everyone will experience the exact same results.
To get the best results, you must use the advice I give you. Every person is an individual and every situation is unique so no single piece of advice will work for everyone at every time.
But I can tell you that if you read the advice and continually apply it in your life, your chances of success increase dramatically. You get that feeling of: Maybe and maybe not.
Does he always put you first, and never actively choose other women over you? These are just questions to think about. You asking to check his phone messages without any good reason to do so. You getting weird if he talks to a woman in your presence, say, at a party, and you make it awkward for him by staring daggers or being passive-aggressive towards her. Now, even as I write that final bullet point I know already that will have its detractors.
My answer to all of these…yep, maybe, fair enough. What matters again is that: He makes you feel safe He makes you a priority He understands your standards and wants to meet them. Leave a Reply Cancel reply Your email address will not be published. July 24, at 3: June 24, at 4: May 7, at 4: April 27, at 7: March 15, at March 11, at 2: There were tears, drama and vicious three-way-calling that both shocked and disgusted me.
But then there was also a beautiful vulnerability and honest conversations and candid questions that we all worked together to find answers to. By the time I graduated and moved to New York, men still maintained the top spots on my speed dial, with the exception of a few amazing women I let in along the way.
There is no doubt that female friendships hold hefty value in my life, but friendships with women exhaust me in a way that male friendships never have. They simply offer different things. Not to say that male-female friendships lack complication; that would be silly and untrue. I once lost a close friendship because I confused chivalry for romance and honesty for intimacy.
And there have been a couple of instances when a night of drinking led to a platonic pal's confession of one-sided love, until he sobered up and remembered that I am a often a nightmare in relationships as most people are. Over brunch, we laugh at the thought of a romance between us, split the check down to the penny and returned to our casual camaraderie. Friends know too many secrets and that knowledge limits the sexual chemistry to that of a houseplant. Like Olivia Wilde and Jake Johnson, I agree that when you build a friendship that works seamlessly, no romantic relationship can hold a candle to it.
Men and women can and should be friends with benefits Here's what the men in my life have given me: Who someone matches you up with says a lot about what they think of you. Clearly, my lady friends think that I like shorter men who live with their parents, are part of some fantasy sports team and like to eat in diners. Only on rare occasions have I been set-up by guy friends and each time was a raging success. Because my date was brutally briefed on what I'm really like: Oh, and when a guy says his friend is good looking, he is.
When I see my girlfriends, I will be greeted with a compliment. My shoes, my hair, my interesting choice in a neon rainbow manicure -- it will be loved by someone at girls' night, but do they really like it or are women in the habit of being nice? You know who doesn't compliment just to compliment? Getting a kind word out of them is like pulling teeth from a shark. I'm certain that when a guy friend says that I look like I've lost weight, I know they are saying it because it's true Your sister's wedding is next weekend and you thought you'd be in a committed relationship by now, but OKCupid has let you down once again.
Luckily, your knight in shining armor is ready and willing to be your perky plus one and save you from what could have been a family firing squad. The looks of pity from your many aunts? Sitting at the table in the back filled with lonely misfits and children? The inevitable inquisition as to when you might be settling down? Because for all they know, that guy twirling you around the dance floor could be your future husband.
But for a night, you can play pretend. A good friend, no matter their sex, will offer up their ear when you are in need of venting.
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