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I clicked on the Instagram account of a male friend to check out photos of his new girlfriend. My friend is pushing fifty, good looking, and a successful professional, and I was expecting his girlfriend to be attractive and young. I was wrong, and I was shocked, though pleasantly so. His new girlfriend was clearly older than him.

And my surprise reflected how unusual this situation is. Middle aged men frequently date women younger than themselves. Michael Douglas and Catherine Zeta-Jones have an age difference of 25 years. I've seen this play out repeatedly in my own life. Most of the fifty-something men I know have, at some point, been involved with women in their thirties.

And the relationships go one of two ways. Either they end in heartbreak, because the younger woman wants babies and the man can't bear the thought of starting over, or they stay together, and the man eventually becomes a father again in midlife. So why do so many older men hook up with younger woman? Well, the obvious answer is 'because they can'. But what makes young women so attractive to older men? I mean, sure, their bodies are firmer, but why is this so fantastically important?

Older men don't have a great deal in common with younger women, and it's an easy option in the long term. It can be enormously costly to start a new family in midlife, both emotionally and financially. Well, perhaps the answer is fear. For a man, an older partner is a constant reminder of his own age. He cannot pretend he's still thirty when he's waking up next to a fifty-year-old woman.

A younger partner is life-affirming. She helps to stave off his own fear of aging and mortality. If a man can wake up next to a woman a decade or two younger, he can convince himself that he is still young. Interestingly, because we women have 'internalised the male gaze', the opposite can be true for us. We don't see ourselves reflected in our partner, per se; we see ourselves reflected in our partner's eyes. If our partner sees us as young and hot, we see ourselves as young and hot.

If he sees us as aging and undesirable, we internalise that, too. A man is only as young as the woman he feels, but a woman is only as young as a man sees her to be. We women assimilate men's attitudes and channel them into our own panic about getting older, so our fear of aging is far more visible. But perhaps men fear aging just as much, or more than, us. And perhaps if men were less afraid of their own mortality, they wouldn't gravitate towards younger women, and older women would retain their social value.

Now, I'm not saying that every May-December relationship is born of a fear of death, any more than every other relationship is born of true compatibility. But it is worth deconstructing the unconscious forces behind our choices, particularly when they impact so profoundly on self esteem and social status.

If we all focused on accepting the finite nature of life, and of valuing every stage of our lives, perhaps we would find ourselves making different decisions.

We would certainly enhance the lives and relationships we have now, particularly the relationships with ourselves. And it wouldn't be so shocking when a middle-aged man dates an older, rather than younger, woman. That would be a welcome change. Is this the real reason older men date younger women?

The Sydney Morning Herald. Our weekly podcast giving you insight into the stories that drive the nation.

Age Gap Dating - Dating Older Men & Dating Older Women

As she gets older, the amount of sexual options she has decreases. The firmness of their bodies disappears…and so on…. We are viewed as having more wealth, being more established in life, sexually experienced, more emotionally stable, attractive, refined, confident and so on…. All of these attributes are a huge turn on for women!

Women gain interest in older men. No matter where women are, what age they are, what environment they are in, they will always be attracted to an older man! That is the only reason why an older woman will chose a younger man over an older man for an adventure between the sheets. Regardless of that fact, both older and younger women will still find an older man sexier and more desirable in general.

I use my age to advantage every chance I can and believe me, I sleep with a lot of 19, 20 and 21 year old women. Every young woman has sexual fantasies about an experienced older man! Women are submissive by nature, and who better to be submissive with than an older man? Looking for these places is just taking the easy way out. The truth is that if there is a place where women go to specifically meet older men it will probably be filled with women who are either looking for a sugar daddy or benefactor, or with older less desirable women.

The only reason why a woman would specifically go somewhere where she can meet older men is because she is either: Here are places guys who are older can go that will not have that type of vibe to them.

Yes, I was gorgeous, ish, for a while, and self-absorbed, and shallow, and inexperienced, and over-sensitive and dull. No man I know has ever been told that his powers, his allure, his charm have faded, and that he has to face up to that redundancy. Many women I know in their 50s talk about their invisibility in public places. I get these impulses and then I buy another stupid snake-oil anti-ageing cream.

They are not looking in shop windows. They are not looking at me. Also, younger women generally come with less baggage like ex-boyfriends and husbands, children, etc.

If you are not up for any of this baggage, then a younger woman would be perfect for you. However, dating a younger woman can be perceived as mid-life crisis and your friends or colleagues may frown upon you; but if this is not true in your case then you should not worry about what others say.

Younger men want to be with older women as they make them feel comfortable. Young women have less experience and are less stable than older women who typically are more mature.

On the other hand, older women are looking for younger men because they are more open, more understanding and if the woman is in a better financial place then it can also give her a more dominant role in the relationship. This is mainly why many young men today are looking more for cougars as they offer them the financial stability. Also, dating a cougar would also mean more life experiences to learn from.

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