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I get so many emails asking me about whether to date someone who is separated, recently divorced, or even fresh out of a breakup that I wanted to tackle this tricky subject. It would be handy if we could avoid the vulnerability that comes with doing the due diligence and taking appropriate action where needed.

I personally know people who have gotten together while one party was separated, and in one case the wife refused to sign so they had to wait for it to lapse and got married as soon as it did a few years later, and in the other instances where it worked out, there was no faffing about with the divorce, Future Faking etc. Avoid falling into the trap of not seeing the wood for the trees: The experience over time that we spend with a person means that we get to see if actions and words match and whether what we thought or they suggested was on the cards is actually happening.

That said, keep in mind the following:. And that it ended. Is this what you want to be in the middle of? Judge who they are on the merit of who they are. You camouflaging their issues is only causing you to blend into the background of your own life. I have been dating a truly kind man for 8 months. We previously knew each other as friends in college 30 years ago and just coincidentally met up again. He had been broken up from a 6 year relationship for a few months.

She was a narcissist with capital N and he is an empathic people pleaser who truly cannot bear the thought of ill feelings with people. Our first few months were heaven and he really appreciated my insight as i had a relationship many years ago with a narcissist type.

So it is truly affecting us now as he knows he cannot go forward emotionally with me right now and he is also clinically depressed over it. I love him so much and want to help him. He needs to process this, then stay on his own a bit to get over it.

And if you find someone in the mean time, well, the timing was off. I have enough drama in my life. Wish him well and run like hell. He did start counseling. Thanks so much for responding.

My ex was going through a clinical depression stage and I stuck by him. He eventually used me when he was down and as soon as he was better it was off to new women! I thought I was giving him all the love he needed through his recovery, but he really just needed a doormat while he planned his next sexual misadventure.

If he needs the closure, it is important for him to find it on his own. And wait until he is better. She needs to cut her losses. How many months has it been? He is still deeply involved with her as evidenced by his being so hurt over her not returning his feelings. Where do you think you fit into that picture? And, you should not be involved in helping him break it off with her so that he can be with you. He should be a man and do it on his own.

Think more highly of yourself. You deserve someone truly unattached. You are not alone. I so appreciate your help and concern. We were not lovers in college.

I felt so happy to find a genuinely kind man and when he opened up about her and his hurt I felt I did the right thing by being there for him as a partner is supposed to do. I texted this am and said I think our conversation today deserves to be in person, if you can spare time later. Seems too congenial given last night you know?

What I find so hard to believe is his degree turnaround in his treatment of me lately and knowing I have done nothing to deserve it, causes me the exact hurt he is feeling from her.

How could he inflict that on me?? You MUST walk now! The first 3 months were the honeymoon period as with my ex -bf and then after that you keep trying to recapture the guy that sucked you under and he is not the same. You deserve so much more…. I finally realized I do too! This guy has some serious baggage right now. That he knows that and wants to deal with it is to his credit.

I always likened it to seeing pig fly. There are pigs out there, just flying around, and around, and around. Give him some time and space to let him work on himself. Give him the gift of sorting out his own problems on his own time. Well we are broken up and my heart is just shredded. Could he see getting bank with me when he feels happy about himself? There was so much good that those memories are suffocating me. I told him it was suspect we break up and same time as she returns and for now seems to be cordial with him.

She is a narc I know just from the detailed stories so I know SHE wants something other than wanting harmony…. He truly has never made any real references to our future ie no future faking. So for him to say that to me want the world— and 2 weeks later we break up?? Try to establish what your own limits are.

Grace-I know you are right, I need to know when to draw that line for myself. Why am I so hesitant to do that…. Stop martyring yourself for this man. Forget him and his ridiculous issues with the narc ex and go out and find a man who will actually appreciate the wonderful woman he is actually WITH. It has to be related to her— she is seeking something from him and he is prob going to go back and think she will not abuse him this time.

What gets me is I asked him straight up for the truth, just tell me!! Just really hard to feel good about myself if being a good person doesnt matter…. You have to stop being concerned with him, and be concerned with yourself. What he did was not very nice. Time to think about what he did to you. Hey Mary, just so you know, what happened has nothing to do with you.

Whatever this guy is telling you, it just reeks of BS. I understand how hurt you are and these painful situations can make you obsess on all kinds of stuff and the why, why, why?

Whether he is or not, ask yourself where is his empathy for you? I am not going to tell you what to do, but that you are in the state you are in over this guy speaks volumes. That you are here at BR is great. Start reading, you sound like you might need some boundary work.

Take care of yourself first and get out of the crazymaking cycle by focusing on you. I wish you peace, you are going to be ok. Thank you Allison and Lucky Charms! I know I absolutely need to look at my own co dependency and stop fixating on him and the whys.

But I do know that. Mary You have decided that his ex is a narcissist, seemingly based purely on what he has told you. For example; he gave her the house when he left, and got nothing.

And he paid no child support, ever. See what I mean? People lie and tell half truths. You are WAY too invested in this mans previous relationship. If that was the main thing you bonded over analysing her then, by definition, once he is over her then your role in his life is finished.

Hi mymble, I appreciate your experience— but I have had many interactions with a number of others via him they all know each other thru a large business enterprise and the consensus is unanimous- she is a narcissist. What he chooses to do now is not my concern. Yeah, I was harboring the fantasy that, after a certain age, divorced men are less suspect than someone who has been eternally single.

And that was soothing, strangely. I would like to share my life with someone, though. I identify with your lack of interest in dating anyone. I feel the same way. I prefer to be on my own than to make the mistake of investing in the wrong person and wasting my time.

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