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I always thought that sounded a bit high. Recently this figure has been clarified by Frank Pittman. The study did provide information on the reasons that the marriages ended…. Affairs relationships are usually protected from the stresses of everyday life.
In fact, they can frequently be experienced as escapes from these stressors. Once every day reality intrudes, the relationship becomes much more difficult. The partner who went outside of his or her own marriage is now not really trusted by the new partner. Part II This is his second marriage. There is a gap of ten plus years between when he states he played the field and found much as I had that many partners were not very skilled even if physically good looking and that those who were more satisfying usually had a level of empathic sensing that was not only physical but emotional and intellectual.
He had more or less settled for his second wife due to having low expectations of marital bliss. They were good enough companions and the sex was good enough. Things got stale after 12 years, but it was not terrible. She had PTSD from her childhood. Her mother had left when she was five and her father was distant. When she was 13 she started babysitting for a couple and the husband groomed her to become his sex toy.
And she had not gotten counseling for the original predation, nor the affair. She is on antidepressants and appears to have full-fledged depression with periods of psychomotor retardation where she feels frozen.
I have been there with grief and can sympathize without condoning what she did. Therapy may help her heal, yet can not guarantee she will never stray again. So as is, divorce would be financially a heavy blow. And trying to live together without healing between them is something he can no longer tolerate.
Reconciliation, if possible, is in his highest interest and something I told him he should try for. There are three possible outcomes. True reconciliation with counseling where both are healed enough that their marriage is better than ever. Or divorce and take the financial hit, facing retirement alone and as we age that is a bigger issue, and keep working.
A no brainer that the first is the most desirable path. As much as I care for him and have a gut hunch we would have a good chance of a great long lasting relationship, that is speculation and even if they do divorce, he would need to keep working making finding out if we could work very difficult with the distance involved.
How could I do anything except recommend trying to reconcile? They have started counseling individually and joint sessions will start soon. He is starting to realize how much her early abuse could have affected her and have been compartmentalized and burdening her.
Yet the collateral damage to him is such that he does not have any idea now if he would ever feel he could fully trust her again.
He does wish that whatever happens, reconciliation or parting ways, that she gets the help she needs to heal and find happiness, peace and stability. He and I know that within a short time, we will have to cease contact if there is to be any chance of reconciliation. It is unknown when he might move back in with her. If they part, it must not be due to me. At this time, he is unsure if she has been in contact with her affair partner again.
Being separated, he has concerns that this man is a predator who has beguiled her but it would not be the same sort of betrayal. He would prefer that she was seeing someone else as that predator had done some dastardly things to him, including threatening his job as well as a frivolous lawsuit.
These are things she knew about and part of what made the second betrayal so hurtful. She threw him under the bus. At this point, they have agreed to counseling and that if by the end of the year there has not been significant progress to reconciliation, parting ways as peacefully as possible for tax reasons.
So, did he and I have an affair? Separated, but not divorced, although it appeared inevitable when we met. He must dedicate months to attempting reconciliation. When it looked inevitable, we had planned on seeing each other a few weekends during the year and possibly resuming where we left off this summer but that is not appropriate now.
If they reconcile, contact will permanently end even though we both feel that we will feel like friends, former lovers who part ways with affection. If they part ways and divorce, it seems likely we would want to explore what had started, knowing that it might not work, life and love do not come with handbooks, FAQ lists, and manuals.
Yet we can learn from experience, errors, losses, and joys. But the only way to know would be to try. I can not wish for the chance. That would mean great hardship for him and possible working for years that might interfere with any chance to find out. He is pessimistic at this time that he could ever feel he trusts her, that she has healed enough not to deceive him again.
If they can not reconcile and he and I explore what might be between us, I do not think we would be going into it with the baggage of a relationship with an affair partner. At our age, everyone single has baggage, either divorced, widowed, or single due to not being good at relationships. What is in the baggage? A steamer trunk full of woes, blame, guilt, bitterness, anger, fear, hopelessness, rot that would be better dropped off for recycling?
She did get counseling. She went to several of the top experts on dissociative disorder and trauma and received a lot of treatment and still could not prevent being triggered and disappearing again.
They loved each other. He also wanted children and she knew she was not stable enough to be a good mother. With love, they parted ways. How many people who have affairs have had some degree of trauma or abuse, sexual or not, and the damage done makes them more vulnerable to an affair?
None of us can guarantee that we would never be tempted. Many posts I read on the two blogs mentioned the affair partners feeling in love. What is true long lasting love? It is different for all. Does not ALL true love start much the same way? But with some, there is not enough basis for prairie vole bonding and the high wears off like montane voles. Not all who cheat will always cheat. Prairie vole bonding may occur even late in life.
My second husband was 65 when we met. And as mentioned in your blog, had not felt like he could be loved for himself. His ex wanted a trophy husband and turned his children against him. He felt unlovable and incapable of making them feel he loved them. We healed each other with love and he died in my arms, without pain, surrounded by love. He found how to be loving and be loved in a way that switched him from montane to prairie vole.
It is not a thing that we can hold in our hands, take out of a box and show others. Our biochemistry, the molecules of emotion, the thoughts traveling via electrical impulses and biochemicals, their receptors, all influence our actions. Being honest with, first of all, yourself as to your needs and wants, honest with your partner, and being willing to learn how to have a better relationship help build a sound foundation for lasting love.
I think most people would consider true love as being prairie vole style. But we are not voles and our urges will vary individually between the two ends of that spectrum, probably shifting with age, hormones and experience. My own experience is that when it hits, that prairie vole bonding is an intoxicating blend of passion, emotion, and intellect that has a blissful afterglow. The passion may mellow with time, yet can be fanned back into flames for decades, not simply months or years.
Yes it takes attention, time and effort but it is not as draining and difficult as bitterness or a bad relationship. If there is an underlying foundation of compatibility the love AND sex can get better over the years. And finding a lover who will remain your beloved for decades I think is a matter of plain blind luck. I may have been lucky enough to have found such a man for a third time, yet can not wish for the opportunity to find out. I can only step back and allow what is in his best interest to unfold.
Part I Many North Americans now practice serial polygamy rather than lifelong monogamy. And other cultures have different marriage practices. And in some of these cultures, there would be some people who were naturally monogamous.
For a relevant and interesting article on the the differences in biochemistry and behavior between prairie voles and montante voles as it relates to this issue, see https: Marriage customs and life expectancy have changed so much. With so many women dying in childbirth and men at war, and both from accidents, infections and contagious diseases, widows and widowers remarrying used to be common.
Dying of old age after being married for three or more decades was very rare. Perhaps staying in love for that long was even rarer? People change… stress, illness, accidents may affect personalities, and other factors I am sure you can imagine. The culture we grow up in does affect our attitudes towards monogamy vs multiple partners. Both biology and nurture.
The thing that really makes it hard for me is that I feel it is such a waste. And his OW is a person who needs the security of a man, and he has met this need for her. I guess this could be the one time she gets it right, but the odds are so bad for this. I just wish he could see, but he is blinded by his attraction for and connection with her. It is so puzzling because he is usually a very rational, thinking, analytical person.
And this relationship has changed him into a different person. And our children, both girls, both grown, have absolutely NO desire to meet or accept this OW. They see her as hurting me, and sharing the actions which are leading to the break up of our marriage. He is going to have a much more difficult time having a relationship with them in the future, if he maintains this relationship with her. But it almost seems like an obsession! How do you distinguish between an obsession and new love?
He was home over Thanksgiving, and she texted him constantly!!! And probably, until he leaves me for good. But, once he got back to his remote outpost, she admitted that she was upset because she thought he was having sex with me while he was home. So, once he assured her that all was well in that department, then she gave the sex back.
You needed to get out of it first. Thanks you guys for responding to me…you can see I am still processing all this, even though I am quite sure what the outcome will be in the end.
So to the people badgering the cheating scenario… what if a person was in a situation that was not very good? I was married for 8 years when I met my husband who I am married to now! My first husband was very mean I was young and stupid and he was abusive! It took me meeting a good man for me to realize what a good person was like! My first husband did horrible things to me! Had I not met my second husband when I did there is no telling what would have happen to me in that relationship!
So to the people bashing the leaving husbands for someone else!!! Then it really did happen to me and I wanted nothing more than to make our marriage work. We had been h. I told him that even if we still ended up divorcing, we could say we gave it a valiant effort. He temporarily moved back home but was still seeing her.
It took a while, but I finally moved on and am so glad I did. Life is too short to live with such heartache and negativity. But each case is different. If feels her marriage is worth saving and that her husband will come back to her, I wish her well. He was having the affair for about 2 yrs.
He moved out right away when I confronted him and moved in with her. We finally divorced in Everyone was shocked when it happened. We had been married almost 26 yrs. We all thought it was a mid-life crisis and would blow over. He also gave me the impression we were going to get back together, wanting to reconcile twice.
The first time, he changed his mind — the second time, I changed mine some other things came to light. As of January of this year, he is still with the OW. Our daughter only lives about 2 miles from her dad but never goes to his house because he has yet to introduce the OW to anyone in his entire family, even after 7 years! Our daughter met her by accident in January, the only way I know they are still together.
As of a year ago, the OW was still married to husband 2. After crying more tears than I can tell you, I got into therapy, started reconnecting with old friends, and having more fun than I had had in years! I started dating again and eventually got introduced to a great guy through a mutual friend.
We are now married, something I never saw happening. As I stated above, please get an attorney and definitely continue with the therapy. Best thing I ever did. I totally get your pain, but it definitely gets better.
Being alone would be better than being left in limbo like your husband is doing to you. Where there is no trust, there is no marriage. Best of luck to you. My belief is that there should be no hard and fast rules as to whether you stay with your partner post-affair or stick it out. It depends on your views on fidelity.
If your personal belief is to never forgive an affair then the choice is easy. If, however, you can forgive the erring partner then of course it is more complicated. If your partner is actively in an affair the level of heartache that the innocent party is able to tolerate would be variable. Only she can know how long to wait for him…. I have read in the good book that Love Is Patient!
So, , is your ex still with his affair partner? Or do you keep in touch enough to know…. I just feel it is a waste to divorce, if the affair is going to end anyway—although if it takes 5 years to end, then that is too long to wait…. Just waits for things to happen around him. I went to see my attorney within 2 weeks of him leaving, just to have someone in my corner and looking out for my best interests. We ended up staying married 3 more years him living with the girlfriend until I finally pursued the divorce.
It took me about 9 months after I discovered the affair, and lots of therapy, to realize I needed to start looking out for myself and stop crying over him. Best decision I ever made. You may still love him but is this really how you want to live your remaining years? My husband of 36 years has been having an affair the past months. He is living out of state working on a contract, and so is this woman.
My husband and I are both She is 48, twice divorced. In fact, she was still married when they began the affair, though she says the marriage was bad and she wanted out, and that is one reason she took the contract job away from her home. For awhile, my husband wanted to have a relationship with us both. We spent a fair amount of time together this summer, and while there were good times between us, there was a lot of strain too. Oh, they are both PhD psychologists. We had marriage issues before he left for this job, though neither of us realized how deep they were.
He felt lonely and cut off, and I felt unappreciated and had closed myself off. We are great friends, and partners. I have been in therapy since all this began, and have really learned a lot about myself, and how I had not nurtured our marriage relationship, as well as not nurtured myself.
I am working to change that. He will not leave this job—we have not saved enough for retirement, and he is well paid and he likes the work. Of course, she feels the same way. He says that he loves me, but not romantically.
Also, I thought the job would be temporary, I really did—maybe 6 months. I have told him that I would come there now—my mother died in August I DID need to go to her at the end, as she was sick and dying and I am willing to leave my current job to be there with him. But he does not want me there now.
Somehow I will spoil things there for him, and of course, his relationship with his affair partner will have to be changed. He seems like he has been willing to give her a pass when she lies to him and tries to manipulate him.
She seems very frantic in a way, and she always seems to be a damsel in distress, that he has to rescue, sometimes from herself. He feels he is changing, not so much from the affair, but from his experiences in this remote place, which have given him time to contemplate himself, his needs, what he wants for the rest of his life.
I have this strong feeling that we will end up together, even if we divorce—again, maybe I am delusional, and this is more wishful thinking. Once I started becoming more open myself, I found that I had so much love for him—more than I knew. I know there are things that I need to do in our relationship—if it continues—in order to nurture it and help it be strong, loving, fulfilling. But he has this very strong pull toward this other woman, although in our text conversation yesterday he said it was still strong but not as strong as it used to be, and that he is calling her out when she is bullshitting him and trying to manipulate him, where he used to just give her a pass.
He says this will either make their relationship stronger, or it will end it. He has always said he will not ask me to wait—that he knows I may have to leave before he has it all figured out. On the one hand, I would like to wait it out, because I really believe this relationship is not a long term one.
We have talked twice on the phone earlier in this thing. She is saying that to me? Boundary issues, like I said. And boundary issues would ordinarily REALLY bother my husband, but he has been so smitten with her, that he gave her a pass. Also, she went from her first marriage, right to a relationship with her second husband he was the one who emailed me about their affair. They, too, were working together, and she was confiding in him about her bad marriage.
Once she was divorced, they dated 6 months, and got married. So, she went from one man to the next. Anyway, he wants time—he says to figure himself out, but he also decided a few months ago he needed to choose a path, rather than trying to be both a husband and a boyfriend, so he chose the path with her. We communicate some, but not as much as before, and there is not much endearment to me on his part.
He did come home for Thanksgiving, and there were parts of that which were good, and parts that were weird. She was texting him constantly. And of course, though he tried to hide it, he was texting her back. Part of me says to kick him to the curb, take my share from the marriage and move on.
But damn, I still love him, and still feel that, if he can extricate himself from her, that we would have a great future together—in part, because of the pain and growth we have both had as a result of this experience. And part of me wants to hold on, but then I worry—how long can I hold on for? Am I degrading myself by holding on? Is divorce inevitable, and, if so, should I just go ahead and start it so I can get through it sooner?
He sees her ALL the time. And me not much. He just has closed that part of himself off to me, since I was closed to him for awhile. Anyway, such a long post! But any words of wisdom are appreciated. Sometimes others see things more clearly. We have two beautiful daughters together. Two years ago he asked me to marry him and I said I do.
He changed jobs last year and came to me one evening and talked about working abroad on a job. He would become snappy at me, drunk on his weekend home, phone calls in the evenings… I knew deep down there was something wrong but never ever thought in a million years he would cheat on me. I never forget that morning… But my dignity stepped in. I just kept on thinking of my two daughters and how and in what ways is this going to effect them?
He also said he was a very happy man and we were the perfect happy couple. Then why did he pursue it? God, little does he know what he has done to our daughters age 15 and 12 they are both heartbroken still to this day while he lives with the OW with not a care in this world.
He thinks ringing them every evening for a few mins makes it all o. Sure I hope he is happy as that what I told him to go and do. Guilt is an awful feeling. Even if he was logical about everything he has not thought of the consequences.. My daughter said to me the other day that karma is a bitch and they will both suffer for what they have done to us. I loved my husband and he loved me. We were together for many years.
We started arguing a lot when the OW came to work for him. I think he tried to keep the marriage going but was still having an affair with this pond scum, who was also married and saw my husband as a better catch than her own. How can one work on a relationship when there is a 3rd person involved?.
Once he felt attached enough to her, she gave him an ultimatum. Both of them left their spouses and moved in together. Their actions took everything from me…our dog and my life… I never felt such excruciating pain. Some of you could laugh but my husband was all I had and had moved across the country for a chance at happiness with him. But after an affair a woman feels discarded, shamed and humiliated.
It started with lies and will end with lies. Destruction is all an affairs brings. You need to leave and start another life or are you waiting for him to finally convince his ex to take him back? It sucks, but show some pride and kick the bum to the curb; what else is your choice except for living like you do now for the rest of the time you spend with him.
My current 65 year old husband, an ex domestic partner of 22 years, who was pretending to be a spiritual man, fell in love with me when I was 34 and we started living together. But after few months he showed no interest in having sex with me I was told I was very attractive. Ten years ago, he started a relationship with a 25 year old married woman whom he met in his temp job. She is 30 years younger than him. According to my husband, it started as friendship during lunchtime and then gradually lead into an intense romantic affair in a wilderness park near their offices.
Once I asked him if he was seeing someone intuition but he denied it and I felt bad for even asking this silly question.
I have seen all of his sex texts, emails, exchanging songs, etc…and taking days off, dodging from his company very frequently. During the past 10 years he has been living a secret life with many email addresses, two phones, a secret bank account and side projects from which he would keep the money for himself, and all together excluded me financially, emotionally, sexually and socially.
Finally two years ago, the day they brought me back from the hospital I had an internal bleeding for no reason he confessed that he was in love with a woman. He lied about her age, and many other thing. I told him to text the woman and let her know that I existed in his life. She dumped him right on the spot for being deceitful and not honest about his personal life. He had pretended that he was a single man, looking after a needy woman he found in the street, whom God had appointed him to take care of in his home.
For the past two years, I was in hell, being emotionally tortured and slaughtered. I suffered bad insomnia, trauma, started smoking after having quit 15 years before, pain on my chest, and depression and crying day and night for not even being able to leave him as there is no money to allow me to do that. I have no family around and no support system and am very isolated. For months and months after being dumped, up to few months ago, my husband was sending this woman all kinds of spiritual love poems, love letters about the pain of separation, texting her, and expressing his intense feelings for her, while promising me he made a mistake and would mend and amend our relationship.
Even now, after two years of the disclosure, we are still under one ceiling for our bad bad financial situation as he had no ambition and no desires to make more than his small salary and I put up with it assuming he is very spiritual and not into material gain. Since the disclosure two years ago, his passive-aggressive attitude, gas-lighting, lying all the time, backbiting and hypocrisy, frequent emails of begging his mistress to come back, fabricating stories about me and justifying himself to his family… and much more… have been driving me insane.
Well… If you are on this you are probably the victim of a recent betrayal… I will try to give you some insight. Be prepared as much as you can because you are on the roller coaster ride from hell. And boy I wish I had some guidance. You can never be prepared enough for what you are going through. You are trying to process this and nothing is making sense. This I learned, is normal.
You are shaken to your core. You will question whether everything and everyone around you is real. Real, as in genuine, as you accept it in life. You mentally learn to block out from childhood all bad things that can hurt you. So this is like the boogie man in the closet. You come to think it cannot exist. Well this one does.. And it f-Ing sucks. You are going through a tough process of emotions. You have to learn to accept this as this is your core system of dealing with the blow.
It is really amazing how your body and mind have to go through these emotions. How drastic this really is. This will affect you mentally and physically for a while and there is really nothing you can do about it except let it takes its course. First you are going to question everything about yourself. What did I do wrong??? You will try almost rationalize this as being your own fault.
You might have contributed to the unhappiness of the marriage, but this is not your fault. You will hear this a lot. Not financially, physically, mentally.
No such thing as a perfect situation out there. This was really weird to me, but when I found out that I was betrayed, I become a clingy B. Like that was the cause of them straying. You are going to completely loose your focus. This sucks and affects you in all aspects of life. You are almost mentally paralyzed by the trauma you are experiencing.
But I will tell you it will pass, with time. So the only thing you can really do is put in your best effort right now. Be there for your family. Call your parents and siblings. Play with your kids. Do your best at work. I know, easier said then done. But in the long run you have no choice. You have already lost a lot. And I regret it now. I suffered greatly at work because I could not focus.
All you can think about is them. How could they do this to you? Can I ever trust them again? Are they doing something wrong right now? Are they getting ready to leave you? How do you get back what you felt you lost? Not that easy right? I just want you to know this is normal. But do the best you can, because later you will feel like you lost a lot of time of your life obsessing with this.
Right now your brain is reprogramming itself. It is processing from what you thought to be real and to what is real. And most of it is still the same as it was before any of this happened. But your brain does not know this yet. The trauma hit the reset button on you. It is now pulling in all that data again, just like when you were first developing as a child. What is good, bad, dangerous, etc. This sounds weird, I know.. But it is what it is. This is going to take while.
Just like when you were a child, you did not develop in one day. So now all the interactions you are making is all data your brain is accepting. But there is a lot of hurt right now. This hurt is blocking all the pleasant experiences in your life. The data that give you happy feelings, joy, peace, relaxation. So it is just taking longer. You will feel these again. Slowly and when you are just living and processing day to day activities. This will make you laugh again, smile, feel joy.
To regenerate itself positively. All I can say is try to accept, enjoy, appreciate the good thoughts. They always have been. They are just really blocked currently. Listen to music, go for a walk, enjoy nature. What ever makes you happy. You know what it is. You had this before, it did not go away. I took my major blow about 10 months ago.
My wife betrayed me. Not so much physically but emotionally. By far the most painful hurt you will ever feel. Because we live by a standard, a agreement, an understanding. This gives us comfort. We make bad choices. We get caught up in the moment. We have wants, needs etc. So they messed up. We have all messed up at some point. I know, not comparable to other mistakes. This is just not one you can be mad at for a few days and get over right?
You think they could never. When this first started with the other person it did not go from hi to a connection in one hr. It took time and steps and decisions. They were caught up in the moment. We all find other people attractive. And we talk to those people sometimes. And sometimes a little flare is created. And words are exchanged, and when you feel that connection you are losing a bit of that driver seat.
Something seems to take over. It is a slight high. They are not thinking about you or the consequences of their actions. They are just caught up in the moment. And a lot of the time not realizing what is actually happening. And things progress, And progress. And before you know it they are in a position that they never thought they could ever be in. They love you, they did not want this to happen.
But they have very limited control at this point. They made the wrong decision. But they are human. We are programmed this way. To follow those euphoric love feelings. We are built this way so we can meet, love, mate.
This program does not just disengage once you get married. It is still there. You just are expected to behave as if this window was closed. But it can never really be shut down. It is always open in the back ground. So basically please understand that this was not about you, while it was flaring up. It was about them, And their blurred vision thanks to evolution. Evolution does not account for marriage.
I can tell you now you have very little control over your spouse. And you should not have control over them. This is a bad combo. You can track them all you want. Check cell phone records, emails,, all a waste of your precious time. If they are wanting to still do something wrong then they will just find different methods of doing it. Bottom line is If they are checked out, then they are checked out. Could be a phase. You trying to control them does not work. Yeah, this probably gives you comfort right now.
Seeing that they are really not up to anything. If you are going through your significant others personal items, they know it. They are not stupid. You are acting suspicious every time you do it. This makes them feel you are desperate. They are better then you because you are putting in wasteful time into their staying with them as opposed to the betraying partner putting in the time to make things right.
So let go of the need to have control. I know; another tough step. But it has very positive affect. You partner sees you not so desperate and more confident and independent. Which everyone likes about a partner. It sounds like the whole foundation of your marriage was built on sand. Did you ever have any inkling that your husband was unfaithful?? Deep inside did you ever feel mistrust when he was away? His ability to lead several lives is truly telling you that he was a very complex man with so many emotional flaws.
His ego must have been so fragile that he had to have it stroked by all these different woman. You perhaps made it possible for him to have these affairs by providing that safe harbor of familiarity and acceptance at home. I guess they are fundamentally weak and need the stability at home to cope with all the drama going on in the affair.
I think for you to get through this devastating experience you perhaps can try and focus on all the things that were good in your marriage. There must have been some wonderful memories and times of love and acceptance between you and your husband. Maybe you can thank him for giving you these gifts, and try and forgive him so in time you will be able to move on.
You still have 20 or 30 years left to live. Your husband is no more, it is your time to have a life ahead. You can choose to be happy. I was with my husband since we were We were married for almost 43 years. I trusted him implicitly. He was a naval officer and was also away for long periods and short periods of time and trust was necessary. He died suddenly in his sleep at the age of I had only started to grieve when I find out from looking through his online accounts that he was cheating on me.
He was never confident enough to approach women. He could never even ask a female to dance. This woman even had the nerve to be waiting for him when he returned home and continued her relationship with him. She asked her husband for a divorce while my husband was supposed to be asking me for a divorce. That ended the affair. I then find out that in the first time was this woman wrote him right after we moved to a new home and were beginning a new chapter in our lives. She claimed she saw him as a friend and was going through things in her life and just wanted to talk to him.
I called bullshit on that one. She said he started sending sexual emails and that she ended it out of respect for me and my marriage. Anyway, he goes looking for her online again a few years later and they start talking again but she did not want anything more to happen. They then began talking often on the phone and when she would be on a layover at our airport he would go see her while she waited.
Then in he was out of town on another training thing for several days and she actually flew out to meet him there. I believe if anything sexual happened, that was the time. Since when she moved back to CA from Canada where she had been living he had gotten out of the navy in she only saw him occasionally for breakfast or something like that when we as a family would be in town and he could sneak out in the morning for a bit.
She actually only saw him for a tiny bit twice in She believed that he would eventually leave me and be with her. She was told to never tell a soul about them and she says she did not. I laughed so hard on that one. She went from around 46 yrs old to pushing I think she thought she found someone to take care of her in her old age. Oh, and you should see both these women. My husband looked like crap when he died and these women are dogs.
I am a destroyed woman. I will never get over this betrayal. Woman number one says that she knew that I was his soul mate as he would tell people and that I was his true love. She says he had some fascination with her and what they did when they were young. I do believe that. He would cry if a song about how life flies by etc. He actually asked me why I would tell others how great he was and not tell him.
I said I was sorry and that he should know how I felt. I feel like my whole life was a lie and I feel so betrayed. I have been stabbed in the heart. I am sixty years old and look pretty damn good and have never even thought about betraying him and he knew that. He was the only man that I have ever even slept with. I just want to confront him and that will never happen. Our three kids found out when I did, so our family is a mess.
Do you have any clue how stupid your statement is? To and — you both obviously have not had someone you love and spent years with break your heart. Then, when it did happen, the hurt and pain was so bad, I could barely function.
Together a total of 33 years. It took about 9 months of therapy for me till I was finally able to move on. I just want to say thanks for writing it out.
My ex of 18 years did that to me… married her 4 months after our divorce and move miles away. We have a handicapped son 27 who is in a home, who has not seen his so called dad in 2 years. No one deserves to be treated like shit, and good for you that you would rather be brokenhearted but not everyone is like you, there is pain in a lot of people who have been the dumped spouse so let them speak!
There are some really bitter angry women posting here. How about this for a change? Stop relying on a man to make you feel complete and happy. Happiness and peace comes from within. As soon as you realize that and start doing things for yourself you will become more attractive to your mate.
Have some self-respect and dignity and get on with your life. Every one deserves to be loved by another person as much as they love that person. You can only be treated as you allow yourself to be treated. We do our children a disfavor by showing them staying in an unhappy marriage because of some damn wedding vows.
By seeing my Mom stay in an unhappy marriage, I made my own vow…to not stay in a marriage I was unhappy with because of some damn vow! When one stays in an unhappy marriage they are already breaking their wedding vows. I for one would not want to be with someone who does not want me wholeheartedly.
I do not want to be with someone who does not want to be with me and who longs for someone else. I would rather be brokenhearted, get over it, and find someone who wants and desires me as much as I want and desire them. Have a little bit of self-respect and self-dignity and teach your children that. Yeah, lots of relationships start with two people talking. How many people are out there that are willfully ignorant of how they feel every day?
Do you all really just get up and bump into things all day and let emotions control you? If you do not want to be married to them, then have that conversation with your spouse. The people who are cheating — you are causing your spouse emotional harm and exposing them to STDs. You have absolutely no right to do this to them. I can guarantee you that they notice something is wrong.
They wonder why you are in a bad mood. They wonder why you spend so much time on your phone. They trust you, so they figure you will tell them in time. You are treating this person like total crap. Your spouse is a person.
This person does not deserve what you are doing to them. If, for some reason, you think they DO deserve it — that is a great reason to leave the marriage. You people that claim that things are difficult to understand: These things are not difficult to understand.
Is that really who you want to be? I challenge you — take a very, very hard look at yourself and ask why you are doing this. It will get harder the deeper you go, but get to the REAL root of this. Cheaters get things the easy way.
Working on a relationship or walking away from it is difficult. Being an authentic person and treating people with respect is difficult. This is what being a reasoned, responsible, trustworthy, respectful adult is all about.
When I met her, she was separated from her husband…. They have two young children together. She had nothing good to say about him…selfish, immature, controlling, ruined her finances, etc.
Yet, we still got together after that, but that stopped. Slowly, the content of our conversations stopped. We still talked all the time. She told me how she felt about me many times. Neither one of us started this with the intention of an affair. It started as two people talking. All because of the need to feel love. I understand that too well. You will have to put it down to experience.
At least you can say you lived with your heart open. Your next love can be the right one for you. Take your time, look after yourself, be kind to yourself. Take comfort in your children. Another chapter will open for you, try not to look back with regret. My husband left his wife for me. We married a year later. It literally turned into a living hell with him afterwards. He showed his true personality: He became verbally abusive and leeched off me for 8 years until I finally left him.
We are still married, separated now, with two young children that he refuses to help me take care of. I sold myself short, and if I could go back, I would have gotten with someone my own age and single. We are becoming more emotionally involved. I have decided to end my marriage as it is not fair to my husband to do this, even though he is unaware.
We both have a lot of work to do and we will only ever be together as a couple when that work is done. I have so much heartache ahead of me in ending a 20 year marriage where there has been companionship but no intimacy. I am in counseling.
My childhood was one where I experienced emotional, physical and sexual abuse. Through my affair healing has begun in some of these areas. Morally this sounds so wrong but I feel safe with my lover. We had a strong connection as teens and he is my oldest friend. The peace I have experience from this relationship I have not ever felt before.
It is the same for him. Ended the affair I had but I am still thinking about him. Husband and I started drifting apart for a while and the spark of the relationship vanished.
Our communication with each other has diminished as the years went by. I tried to leave and told him I was not happy and he wanted to work it out. I tried but it was hard as I already fell in a love with a guy that first started off as friendship but I felt we were initially attracted to each other. This is the first time I have done this and have been married for a while. I hate that I am hurting everyone involved even the guy that I had an affair with.
I wish I can just forget about him but I constantly think about him. There are numerous reasons why people start affairs, dissatisfaction, boredom, loneliness, opportunity, selfishness, insecurity to name but a few. But the one thing that is true in all cases is that all affairs are based on lies and deceit and that diminishes the integrity of everyone involved.
There will undoubtedly be cases where the betrayed one is a total bitch or bastard to their spouse but in the majority of the cases that just will not be true. Be brave, be respectful and leave a bad marriage if you are unhappy and think staying might eventually cause more hurt than happiness to all parties. I was married for 12 years, some of them happy, some of them not and some of them where we were just going through the motions.
Real life, family, work gets in the way of that sometimes. Did I have opportunities to cheat on my husband during the unhappy periods, yes. Did I take them, no. Because affairs are never just about sex or even love, they are about fantasy and self indulgence, and I knew if started one I would have to become someone who lied and deceive someone I had committed myself to. When the tables were turned, however, my ex-husband did not do the same. He had opportunity after opportunity over the years to say he was not happy in our marriage and to walk away and find happiness with someone else.
Discovered months later the whole time he was having sex with this other woman at every opportunity. Found childish messages of him telling her he loved her and that I was unsupportive and needy, that we had no sexual relationship and that they were soulmates. So not only lying to me but feeding her a crock of shit too.
When I found out, he denied everything right up to literally having the evidence shoved in his face and then cried like a baby. But he was only feeling sorry only for himself not the hurt he had caused me or the pain he inflicted on our son. I divorced him, and he is now with the other woman. She was also cheating on her husband. Will it last, are they soulmates, who knows? I probably will not get into anything serious with anyone again for a long time if at all.
But life without paranoia or deceit is definitely better all round. What about his wife, have you thought about how this will affect her and those kids? I read your post and all I see is about: Why would he want out of his marriage now if he is having his sexual and emotional fun with you.
And you want to wait for him for years? Is that suppose to explain why your judgement is terrible? OMG leave this guy alone and his family. Why should this other family and yours go along in this blind life not knowing the truth. I am not as eloquent with words as all of the other posters. I was married the first time for 14 years to someone I met and did not date very long.
We had three children together. We just were two different people. It was hard going through the divorce.
I jumped right back in with someone I worked with. He is a good man and tries to be good to me but he is a workaholic. I have tried for years to tell him that life is short and to please take more time with me. Evenings get so lonely day after day, year after year. I know for a fact he is working. He will not change. I do love him but we have little in common outside of the business we run together.
If he found out, it would be earth shattering for the family business. I have found the love of my life, the one I have everything in common with, that makes me happy, the one I can see myself growing old with. He is married with children.
Allen, a Twin Cities commercial real estate developer, is perhaps the most public of these private collectors. Fascinated by boats since childhood, Allen is an articulate and ardent advocate for cabin culture and wooden boat history.
He was a driving force in bringing the international Antique and Classic Boat Society wooden boat show to the shores of Gull Lake last year. The sound of the engines. The shine of the chrome. It was all so alluring and worth preserving. Today, Allen owns more than 20 wooden boats.
In came fiberglass, which builders could easily mold into contemporary — often automobile-inspired — designs. Customers liked fiberglass too because it was a breeze to maintain. Buyers had little interest in wooden boats again until the s. Carl Mammel of Alexandria also has a premier collection. Anderson is owner and chairman of APi Group, a multibillion-dollar construction conglomerate in the Twin Cities.
His lone Chris-Craft is a speedy foot Cobra from Only 50 or so were ever made. The Cobra was the first Chris-Craft to incorporate fiberglass into its body, and its unique fin made for a daring design of the time. Barnes and other top-end custom designers. These men and their companies produced far fewer boats in exchange for greater elegance and top-end speed. Wood spent part of his young life in Osakis, where his father was a ferry boat operator. They were crazy fast, and the Holy Grail of them all was called the Baby Gar.
There are only eight left in the world. I have one and Lee Anderson has four others. Dave Bortner, founder of Freedom Boat Service in Mound, has seen first-hand the rising interest in wooden boats. A businessman who began restoring boats with his dad as a way to earn money for college, Bortner now employs five shipwrights and one mechanic who work full-time restoring boats.
Currently, the museum has five Lee Anderson boats on display. Among them is the iconic boatmaker Wood, whose penultimate wooden boat was Miss America X. The boat set a speed record of Smith, the publisher, said he sees something unusual happening in Minnesota. Allen owns this lakeside club. It is where he and many other members of the Antique and Classic Boat Society will display and run their boats. A history minor in college, a law degree holder and chairman of the board of Northland College in Ashland, Wis.
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