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By Shari Schreiber, M. The following material was written for individuals trying to recover from a relationship that's had toxic consequences for them, and is not intended as a support resource for Borderlines or anyone with BPD traits.
If you suspect that you have these traits, please leave this website and redirect your attention to alternative web content , which might feel more congruent with your personal views and needs. You'll be learning about emotionally dangerous men here, and how to avoid them. There are very few females who haven't encountered a borderline disordered male at some point during their lifetime, whether he's been a fellow employee, a boss, a neighbor, or somebody from an online dating site-- where there's an exceptionally high ratio of them.
Just wanna get laid?? Stay right where you are. Seeking a healthy partnership? Stop fishing in contaminated ponds, and commit to the hard inner work it takes to heal and grow, so you can finally accept the love you need.
I was fortunate to have had brief encounters with narcissistic or borderline disordered males, and they taught me about what to avoid. When I began recalling and including those experiences in this piece, it flowed. As many more women began contacting me for help, their stories very closely echoed and confirmed what I'd already written, and this seemed to give extra weight or validity to the material. All my significant, lengthy relationships have been harmonious and loving.
These were the right men at the right time, and we enjoyed mutual admiration and respect. Whenever I met someone who felt a bit 'off' to me, I declined a second date. I'm sure that trusting my instincts saved me from a lot of heartache. Let this literature serve as a guide, that can help you learn to honor and trust yours.
Browse the various sub-sections in this piece while you're visiting--they describe the intricate aspects of personality disordered men and their behaviors. Don't try to read this text cover to cover or all in one sitting, as it's very detailed and lengthy.
Narcissists are not always borderline disordered they lack psychotic traits , but Borderlines are always narcissistic, as each lacks capacity for empathy. Can these issues be cured? I'm sometimes inundated with letters from irate BPD males who insist they have tremendous capacity for empathy , but they've likely confused this term with sympathy , and the two words by definition, are very different.
It's not that there are actually more women than men with BPD, it's that we haven't identified the ways it manifests in males, as pathological. We might have climbed on-board with the 'male bashing' some women have promoted, and assumed this gender had innate deficits when they've acted like "jerks," but what's often spawned our pejorative view, is aberrant behavior patterns in men with borderline traits.
Does that rearrange your mental files?? A colleague who works almost exclusively with male borderlines, has told me that they generally present as commitment-phobes and sex addicts, which seems logical--for at the very core of borderline pathology, is an attachment issue that starts in infancy, with Mother. It's not been my intent to neglect or overlook gay or bi-sexual males here, but in my work with borderline males and those trying to recover from loving them, the bulk of this text applies, regardless of sexual or gender preference.
Borderline Personality Disorder in men is harder to recognize than in women, because their seductions are usually emotional, rather than sexual. The Male Borderline may appear 'normal' in contrast to other men, who seem so afraid of closeness, they're back-peddling before your second date! For simplicity's sake, this piece names the borderline disordered male, Casanova. Make sure you don't become his next prisoner.
Initially, you may be intrigued with his unique openness and vulnerability, since you haven't encountered this in other males you've known. It's refreshing to find a guy who doesn't censor his feelings or thoughts, and seems emotionally accessible! It's incredible that this man appears so completely without guile, he almost instantly puts you at ease and inspires your trust.
He's extremely attentive at first, and wants to be with you constantly , which is like music to your soul. Casanova makes sure you know how grateful he is to have finally found you, because you're "like no other woman" he's ever known.
His enthusiasm and glee seem authentic: One of my ex's would initially remark how great it was, that he'd finally met a female who was his "intellectual equal.
I'd had warning signals just like you--and foolishly put them aside. He'd just recently left a long-term marriage, and I knew better than to get involved. He spoke rather critically about his ex wives, yet couldn't figure out why they were all so insecure! He'd dated a few females in-between his marital separation and meeting me, but I sensed it was too soon for him to attach. My voiced concerns about the wisdom of our timing, were always met with vehement assurances that he'd wanted someone like me, his "whole life!
As soon as a Borderline senses you're really His, he distances himself, shuts down or finds fault with you. Your first mistake, is thinking that's about You! The Borderline brings a whole lot of unfinished business from his childhood, into your relationship dynamic--which was certainly no exception, in my brief interlude with this kind of male: His father "The Doctor" died of arterial disease, and his wife gained a huge amount of weight during their marriage.
Two sizable abandonments, for sure--but while I'd gently point out that this stuff didn't belong with me, and assured him I wouldn't get fat or die anytime soon, this issue arose constantly!
Resolving it, typically took hours. Mostly, our time together was marvelous, but these dialogues became exhausting--like working on my days off. No question, I was doing all the heavy emotional lifting in that relationship.
Tears streamed down his face, whenever I'd try to engage him on any topic we were struggling with--no matter how soft my approach! This was his method of shutting-down, and deflecting resolution. When we'd finally get close to a breakthrough, he'd kitchen-sink me re-referencing former issues that had already been fully discussed and resolved in his effort to throw me off track, and maintain control.
To be honest, I had recognized his narcissism early on, and foolishly thought I could handle it--but this control issue kept rearing its ugly little head, and it was profoundly injurious to our bond. When you're with a Borderline, you'll see only what you want to see about this guy--and you won't begin to wake-up until he drops you on your head, and you're drowning in so much pain and shame, you can barely breathe.
Even then you won't leave, because you'll keep hoping for the good times to return--but beware! This male can turn your world upside-down and inside-out, to where you can hardly remember or recognize that woman you used to be , before he came along. Right about now you might be thinking, "surely even a painful relationship is better than no relationship at all," but here's the deal; hanging out with You can't actually kill you--but hanging out with a Borderline, definitely can.
At the very least, your physical and emotional health will suffer. Adult development can be accomplished, but it takes time to mend the core trauma wounds that are inherently at the root of this dysfunction. Some of these males present as little boys, ambivalently in need of rescuing or care.
Their vulnerability comes across in a way that has you seeing them as open and genuine--but watch out! Don't believe the hardship stories they feed you, while asking for a "temporary" loan or place to sleep. Don't think for a moment, this guy can't screw up your life, just because he seems so pitiful.
It isn't that they haven't wanted love--it's that they've never been able to trust it. You won't change this, regardless of how much you adore him--or how 'safe' you can make it for him emotionally. It's not that things won't be good for awhile--but then he'll suddenly run off with his old girlfriend or gal he met on an elevator, without any thought for you. He had very disappointing and painful relationship experiences with Mother, and you're not gonna change this for him, no matter how you hard try to bridge that deficit.
Besides, no man wants to fuck his mommy, and if he does, he's way more screwed-up than you think he is. He left home to get away from her , and he'll do it to you! A Borderline's nature is paradoxical ; the better you treat him, the faster he has to find fault with you, distance himself or push you away.
In short, he won't let you love him. There's always a childhood template that sets up our attraction to someone personality disordered. Perhaps your Borderline has traits similar to Mom or Dad though this attraction is primarily due to unresolved attachment issues with mother , and you're familiar with the relationship dynamics you've struggled with in this connection, which keeps it thrilling.
Childhood wounds must be repaired and resolved, or you will keep being drawn to this kind of male. Control issues and addictions typically help Casanova defend against painful ambivalence that's characterized by deep longing but fear of needing , while constantly undermining his personal strivings and attachment endeavors.
Long-distance romances conveniently inhibit deeper bonds, and quell his engulfment fears. The Borderline is incapable of sustaining any type of emotion, including love. He'll act-out his ambivalence or upsets, rather than speaking with you about what's bothering him--and he'll always put the blame on you for his feelings.
You may presume that if you just try a little harder to make him happy, it'll be possible to have a harmonious relationship with this guy, but you're just dreaming. Borderlines thrive on crisis, drama and chaos, which contribute to their sense of aliveness --it's the main reason why many are treatment resistant. This portion of treatment is critical, for he will not be able to let go of long-standing BPD traits self-sabotage, crisis orientation, passive-aggression, addictions, etc.
The Chase is intoxicating for Casanova--outside of that, he gets bored. Years after their split, he's still lamenting about the one who got away and insisting it was "real love," even though his attachment fears caused him to act-out, and surely hastened the death of that relationship. Stealing you away from somebody else can fuel a borderline male's ego, and ease his long-standing insecurities. He may have had a father who cheated, and a variety of complex feelings about being left alone to soothe his pitiful, victim-like Waif mother, could prompt him to compulsively repeat his dad's unsavory practices with pre-attached females.
Aside from any sense of empowerment he may have derived from adopting the role of surrogate mate for Mother, replicating his father's antics helps him identify with the dad he never had, and minimize his pain from the missing paternal bond. This pattern compulsively repeats, as he's acting-out unresolved rage from childhood neglect and betrayal. Between trying to get boyhood needs met for nurturant attention, and his belief that he must love and respect his maternal tormentor, he continuously struggles to feel safe with attachment.
Many of these males were undermined by a dying father who made them promise to "take care of Mother" in his absence. No matter how toxic her presence, he just can't break that vow he made to Dad on his deathbed. My ex reported that a few therapists he'd seen with his wife, commented about issues with his mother --but he dismissed them out of hand. In retrospect, he needed serious individual core work--but alas, he was a self-proclaimed "Behaviorist," which is shorthand for young soul.
This meticulous male had OCD features, which spilled over into our dynamic. His perfectionism ran amok, and as he apparently needed to have the upper hand in our romance, he'd instruct me on how to do the most basic tasks! I viewed this with awe and disbelief, as I'd taken excellent care of myself for over fifty years at that juncture, and managed it very well without his input!
His behavior felt infantilizing , and made me presume he'd been with inept, insecure females before me--or ones who'd somehow tolerated his narcissistic traits. Maybe they'd just swallowed their feelings, and developed some emotional and physical insulation just to cope with his steady criticisms, and take up more space in that relationship!
He responds very well to a light touch and seems to be a quickly learner once he understands what you want. For a young untrained dog, he is fairly calm and easy to handle. He likes to lean into his person, loves attention and gives kisses. His EPI is well managed, with enzymes on his food, mixed and soaked in warm water for 20 minutes and dinner is served - Easy! If you are looking for a dog that is easy to train and loves people and you can provide love, toys, and training - look no further - Chevy is the one for you!
Chevy is adjusting to life inside a home. He is still learning dog to dog manners as he likes to run up to a dog and bark. Not the best social skill for a dog. He wants to approach on his own terms. Once he knows you're ok, he's fine. With his EPI, he gets a few freeze dried liver treats to help with training. A calm, slow and gentle hand wins the day with Chevy - just take it slow and easy. Chevy crates beautifully and loves to talk to the resident female GSD when he wants to play.
Overall, Chevy is a sweetheart with a few quirks. If you have the interest in working with Chevy to provide the structure and training he needs and patience to earn his trust, please ask to meet him. This precious boy is so loving and sweet. He yearns for the attention of humans, needing a family of his very own that will commit to him for his lifetime.
Just look at that face, those eye's say it all. He is settling into his foster home so please watch for updates as his foster family gets to know him better. I want to tell you a little about myself.
My foster mom calls me a big barrel of adorableness. I love my human foster sibling. We could snuggle for hours with me giving her lots of kisses. My walks are awesome. I walk nicely on the leash and am learning to sit to get my leash on. The crate is a good place to be and sometimes I go in there even when the door is open. I love my foster family but would love my furever family more. If you want a snuggle or two, ask to meet me!! Crombie is in the beginning stages of his heartworm treatment, which of course MAGSR will pay for his entire treatment.
Treatment is expensive, but Crombie is certainly worth the cost. Donations towards his treatment would be greatly appreciated, this would also help us save other dogs with medical needs. I have made myself right at home in my foster home and my personality hasn't changed a bit.
I am very calm and relaxed. I am on activity restriction but that's no big deal for me cause I don't mind my crate at all.
Slow walks give me time to sniff some extra and no running, jumping or playing isn't so bad for the next couple of months. I spend my time out of the crate either on my foster mom's lap or laying next to my human foster sibling.
I eat and drink in my crate so I know it's a good place to be. Getting out of my crate can be challenging because I'm excited to get out, so I don't want to sit, but my foster mom makes sure I do before we can go out. Hopefully this heart worm thing doesn't scare you away MAGSR takes care of all of it and all you need to do is give my my medicine, keep me calm during the treatment which isn't tough and love me that's the easy part Talk to you soon I have had my first ventures with the resident dogs this week.
There is a dominant female shepherd and a second in command. The dominant shepherd loves me but can't figure out why I don't know what playing is. So we just chew bones together on the floor. Maybe I will figure out play in time but hopefully not too soon because I'm on exercise restriction and then on crate restriction during my heartworm treatment.
We don't growl or fight, but she definitely isn't thrilled to have me around, so I just avoid her. All in all, the few weeks we spent just smelling each other on our humans has worked out well. At least I have found a new friend. Keep a look out for me because I'm attending events until I get my first heartworm treatment injection.
Kovu has not had much stability in his life, he has had 3 families before coming into our care. His last person realized that he needed more than she could provide in the way of training and knew that he needed an experienced family to help him adjust to a new life. Kovu has not been well socialized or provided with proper training. He can be protective of his person if he feels you are not in control. He needs slower introductions to new people, dogs and situations in order for him to feel comfortable.
Training is an absolute must for Kovu and his new family as this will help everyone learn more about Kovu and get him on the right track. Kovu needs someone who is going to commit to him, provide him with direction and consistency in his life. Our volunteers are working with him, he learns quickly. Kovu has settled into his foster home. Kovu has become affectionate and attentive to his foster dad. Kovu is anxious when meeting new people and needs a handler that understands this to ensure slow introductions with treats.
Kovu has a high food drive and responds well to training in obedience with food rewards. Kovu has been confident learning new things and being placed in new situations. Poor Kovu must never have had toys before because he has discovered toys in his foster home — balls, tug ropes, etc. Kovu is respectful in the home when not crated and is housebroken; however he likes to counter surf at times, and has a special interest in used paper towels.
Kovu would do well in a quiet home without young kids or other pets. If Kovu sounds like he could be a match for your family, and you have experience with GSDs, please ask to meet him today. Oliver found himself in a shelter after he was picked up as a stray. He is sweet, handsome boy who is looking for a forever family and home. He is somewhat shy right now, but who can blame him with the recent changes he has been through.
Training will help him build confidence, learn good manners and bond with his family. Some dogs simply have a special something about them. Oliver is one of those dogs. If you confront this and hold him accountable for his actions, he makes excuses, becomes rageful and projects his shame and self-loathing onto you.
He's been with females a lot more desperate, who've let him get away with this crap, but you don't have to. He's shown you who he is, and who he isn't --and he's not a man of his word. Do not trust him. As with borderline females, this fellow lacks boundaries and impulse control.
He could show up at your house or work unannounced, or phone a ridiculous number of times during your day, which will initially be delightful--but you'll later question whether or not he's capable of tolerating time alone. He may be awkward around your friends--especially when they're male. His jealousy might be well hidden, but you can sense his frosty reserve when he meets them. Any individual who takes your attention away from him is perceived as a threat. He'll accuse you of the most absurd indiscretions--and you'll feel as though you're constantly defending yourself against his irrational fantasies concerning other men in your life!
No matter how much you reassure him of your devotion, he just can't retain it. Loving Casanova is like trying to fill a bottomless pit. Even if your radar's pretty sharp when it comes to men, and you think you're exempt from falling for a borderline disordered male, think again.
This guy seems so wonderful at first, you can hardly believe it! It's like you've been wishing for this kind of connection forever , and now it's finally here. But as this relationship progresses, you will feel increasingly frustrated, anxious, confused and tormented. That fantastically open guy you first met keeps shutting you out, and you end up painfully longing and yearning for the way it was. I've worked with quite a few male Borderlines.
They phone me complaining about relationship problems no surprise there , but telltale comments always give them away. Many are determined to tell me how much younger they look than their chronological age, what great lovers they are, and how every female they've been with sexually, has declared them "The Best!
This male is likely to choose-down, or select females he perceives as needy or less powerful than he. Any woman who is whole or has greater resources than he's recognized in himself, activates his abandonment fears. In this way, he's always in the driver's seat, and abandonment concerns are averted. It's not unusual for codependency and borderline disorder to coexist within the same individual.
This dual diagnosis can frequently be observed in BPD males who work in the medical, psychotherapeutic or coaching professions. Casanova is prone to having affairs with married women, or engaging in his own extramarital dalliances. He persistently chooses 'safe' relationships that have no chance of moving beyond a casual or superficial status. He could have a desperate need to be needed , if boyhood issues left him with shame concerning worthiness.
Childhood chaos or drama always ignites the need to control our experiences, and drives codependent relational dynamics that fortify the grandiose, false-self.
These defenses can be like 'rescue-remedy' for a damaged soul--but relief is short-lived. Attachment ambivalence consistently derails his ability to maintain deep, meaningful ties. This impairment stems from boyhood self-esteem concerns, that make it virtually impossible for him to be emotionally naked or genuine with a partner who's actually available ; the abandonment risk that's triggered is way too frightening. Bottom line, if a man isn't comfortable with himself , how could he possibly be centered and straight with You?!
Casanova might talk about his past lovers, and make comparisons between them and you. A woman who's present, loving and available doesn't trigger the difficult emotions he learned as a boy, were about loving an unavailable parent. It's highly inappropriate for him to compare you to anyone else--and you should never tolerate it.
This is his distancing tactic, which makes you feel less-than, or not good enough--and that's his intent. Why does he treat you so cruelly? If you're sticking around, make sure he knows he can't abuse you like this any longer--and hope to keep you.
A guy I knew, did this with every female he dated! If Howdy Doody that's who he looked like hadn't had just two redeeming qualities, I wouldn't have stayed past the third date. Being in love with a narcissistic male means you'll never feel busty enough, thin enough, bright enough, tall enough, etc. He may not convey his disdain or disappointment directly, but you will always feel inadequate. The truth is, he's insecure at his core--so he has to throw a shroud around your flame, to make his own glow a little brighter.
The narcissistic father does the same to his children. They grow up trying to please a parent who is not given to praise--unless their accomplishments reflect on him , and he can take credit for them. This behavior is wounding to their self-esteem, and drives compulsive perfectionism which can compromise their health. Too m any females are easily taken in by the Borderline's apparent brilliance and base of knowledge.
In direct contrast to the instability you've observed in this male, there have been times you've glimpsed what seems to be his wisdom, his spirituality and his incredible knack for stating things that make him sound like the absolute authority on health and well-being. Borderlines are usually plagiarists and copycats. They've got a remarkable capacity to mimic or parrot information they've read or heard--which helps you presume they're healthy and sane.
This characteristic is particularly common among Borderlines in the "helping" professions--which amplifies the volume on your ambivalence and confusion about these guys. The central problem with their Guru Complex, is that they can talk the talk --but there's no way they can walk it! That would require integrity , which is a by-product of emotional and moral development.
Along these lines, Borderlines may alter their identity. They'll adopt a name or nickname that's different from the one they were given at birth. This may take the form of choosing the name of a famous celebrity or historical figure, and it's rooted in self-loathing. In his book, American Outlaw he reportedly uncovers his childhood abuse. Sex addiction, infidelities and poor self-worth are symptoms of early neglect and abuse, which is central to Borderline Personality Disorder.
The narcissistic or borderline disordered male could be a verbal exhibitionist. He has an answer and anecdote for virtually everything under the sun--and you can't shut him up, as he regales you with little known facts on any topic you have the patience to hear about! So, while you're trying to get a word in edgewise and have a dialogue with this guy, you must listen to his endless monologue , instead. This is just one trademark of his grandiosity, and you're his captive audience. This feature might have you respecting and regarding him with awe especially if you have self-worth issues , but there's precious little room for you in this relationship, and you'd better get used to that.
Casanova could be parsimonious in bed--but if he's generous, your orgasm is His--not yours. He's so darned busy pleasing you, he's a spectator who's not engaged in the game. The most pleasure he can take for himself, is thinking he'll stand out among all other lovers, who will pale against your memory of him. His narcissism is profound, to say the least. The sex may be great, but it could be the only part of this deal that is.
While guesting on a web broadcast with Dr. He boasted about "burning them out sexually," to where they couldn't sustain the relationship. I asked him if he ever considered that he might have a sex addiction, to which he replied no--but when I asked him what he did when he felt empty or dead inside, he couldn't answer.
This guy suddenly began advising other men about dating and sexual practices, as I'd apparently struck a sensitive nerve, and his narcissism couldn't handle it.
Impotence is fairly common among men with personality disorder features if they've become close to you emotionally, prior to having sex. Men typically get to their feelings through sex, which is part of their bonding ritual. If this order is reversed, BPD males could have great difficulty achieving and maintaining erections.
In short, the more you actually matter to him, the less he's able to perform. This issue is demonstrated in the film, Shame. In a committed relationship, his determination to please you wanes--unless he can keep seducing you, when your attention is diverted by something, or someone else. The borderline male kicks into high gear to win you over, only if there's threat of losing you. His grandiose ego can't tolerate competition, yet he thrives on it.
The 'seduction phase' feels activating and heady--and like all addictions floods him with sensations of aliveness. He literally lives for these episodes, because he feels empty and dead inside, without them. A lifetime of avoiding those difficult feelings, stirs his frantic need to remain attached--even after your relationship has bit the dust.
This doesn't mean that you won't ever hear from him again. He may check in now and then, to test the waters and see if there's an opening or catch you in a weak moment. No response is always the best response. You might want to resolve any unfinished business between you on friendly terms--but you'll never win with Casanova, or have him view you as he did initially.
Contrary to popular belief, the borderline male isn't necessarily compulsively drawn to sex--and in truth, he may be withholding and aloof concerning your needs for sensual contact. The Casanova Complex is purely about seduction. He has to exert control over you, whether that be financially, emotionally or sexually. Interactions must be on his terms, or he doesn't want to play.
This can take the form of 'booty calls' in the middle of the night--or whenever it's least convenient for You. What else would you expect from a narcissistic guy? Borderlines can be openly misogynistic woman hating , or they may wrestle with substantial mistrust of females. Covert or secret fears concerning trust , combine with self-esteem issues, that trap males in emotional ambivalence, and leave them vacillating between loving women and despising them.
This is the legacy that's left to them by their mothers. It seems that Jewish men are particularly at risk, due to engulfment struggles during childhood. Jewish girls are raised to think of themselves as Princesses. This false sense of entitlement carries into their adult relationships, which is the basis for them using men to fulfill material desires, rather than loving them.
A guy can bitch and moan for decades about not getting enough sex with his wife--yet he's thirty pounds overweight, has bad breath or poor body hygiene, isn't home most of the time due to "work demands," flirts with others in his partner's presence, etc. There's a payoff for maintaining these systems, because this damaged connection is always "the woman's" fault. He sees himself as a victim of her neglect --but he's simply reconstructed his boyhood dynamics with Mother.
Casanova often uses a long-term relationship or marriage as his springboard for flirtations and conquests. Without this relatively stable 'home base,' he's usually at odds in the world of women, due to his insecurities.
His emotional development is stunted, so he's basically a pre-adolescent. If you catch your man cheating and call him out, he'll probably deny it until the cows come home--even when you're smelling her on your bed sheets, or finding strands of her hair in his truck!!
The borderline male will concoct all sorts of lies to throw you off his scent, when he's screwing another woman. There will be out of town business trips, nights out with "the guys," lunches or dinners with clients, etc. Females are highly intuitive creatures, and I have always believed that a wife's gotta be blind, deaf and dumb, to not know what she already knows.
There may be myriad reasons why she doesn't want to rock the boat, but she senses when someone else is messing with her meat. You guys could have some real knock-down, drag-out fights about this, and you might kick him out or he could leave for awhile, only to crawl back with his tail between his legs, begging for reprieve from emotional exile.
He may promise never to do it again, and you'll want to believe him--but remember that story about the scorpion and the frog? This is his nature, he's lacking in character, and he's not gonna change not in your lifetime, anyway. If you are the wife of a Borderline or Narcissist, and you've finally decided to leave after trying for years to make your marriage work , he'll likely collapse into inconsolable depression.
No matter how many infidelities he's had, your husband's childhood abandonment trauma will get reactivated--and he'll be howling at the moon in shame, for months afterward. What men never seem to comprehend, is that when a woman's given everything she can, there's no turning back. For better or worse, when she's finally done, she's done. The male borderline can come across as charismatic, seductive and powerful, which are characteristics that are especially attractive to female borderlines, or he may be humble, self-effacing, disempowered and seemingly victimized by life events and relationships.
Whether a Superman or Waif, you'll need to keep your antennae circling, and trust even your most subtle impressions. No matter how much cheerleading you've granted him, the male waif makes you feel guilty for not believing in him enough, while he tries to get his ship in the water--but how is it, that he hasn't accomplished this over the past few decades before he met you??
Any relational upset "diverts" him from his goals, so you have to stifle your frustration, anger and sadness--or he'll hold you responsible for his 'get-rich' schemes not working out. In other words, you keep paying all the bills, while he rants at you for not caring about him or his success, accuses you of "only caring about the money," and makes his failings and setbacks your fault! He might even get sick or injure himself on a frequent basis, to elicit your care and concern--and get you off his back for expecting more out of him.
He could also blame You for his need to be with other women. This man-child can't tolerate any form of rejection. If you're not in the mood to make love, he's inclined to personalize your unwillingness to immediately fulfill his libidinal needs. This discord typically provokes his rage, which lands you right back into an abusive cycle. The BPD male has unresolved primal needs, due to lack of bonding with Mother during infancy; the only way he's able to experience closeness, is through sex and touch.
Grown adults have the ability to connect intimately in other domains of their relationships spiritually, emotionally, cerebrally, etc. You'll feel objectified in this type of relationship. Some of these males can't climax with you face to face, or with their eyes open. During intercourse, he might prefer to orgasm only when you're turned away from him or he can penetrate you from behind. Might he have latent homosexual tendencies, given emotional trust could never be solidified with Mother?
My guess is yes. Waif traits are common among men who live off the generosity or sympathy of females. No self-respecting male can let a partner support him long-term; if he does, he's sitting on some unresolved rage concerning women.
Subconsciously, he needs you to adore and take care of him, no matter what --but he'll eventually turn you into the kind of woman he left home to get away from. He's like Peter Pan--he never grows up.
There's a strong tendency in some of these men to avert monetary success if they've grown up with engulfment issues, and staying single feels safer. On some level, they know that most women will eventually reject them, due to their lack of financial responsibility or success. They'll lament this, and blame these females for being "shallow," but this 'deal-breaker' is actually their payoff for remaining poor--it helps them avoid real closeness and commitment. Do not fall in love with a guy for his "potential.
Whether he's made you cognizant of his boyhood wounds and deficits or not, you'll try to avoid stepping on any emotional land mines, you've intuited are buried in his past. You might want to be a totally different female than the one s he grew up with--but that doesn't fit his emotional profile.
Given the Borderline's paradoxical nature, when you love him more , he loves you less. As your relationship grows more copasetic, calm and stable, he's more likely to sabotage it with betrayals, addictions, compulsions, etc. A waif-like male could be considered The Quiet Borderline.
You might regard him as effete, as he can seem relatively devoid of masculine essence if you didn't know better, you'd swear he's gay! He's soft-spoken, passive, and avoids confrontation of any kind. He could be drawn to strong, independent women, if his mom was domineering or controlling--but they're not sexually attracted to him.
They may embrace him as a friend, but getting naked with this guy would feel akin to climbing into bed with a gal-pal. Unless a woman is fearful of men and masculinity, she'll be wanting a counterbalance to her feminine aspects--and won't settle on guys who are disconnected from their primal natures, which is fallout from a castrating parent, during boyhood. A BPD Waif often approaches professional dealings with a sob story. His lack of funds or finances are always conveyed up-front, when trying to negotiate any type of business transaction even therapy.
This behavior is part of his survival reflex that's become habituated--but its roots go all the way back to his childhood.
Since this has become his life-script, he's doomed to remain episodically pitiful and broke. Self-sabotage is a huge piece of Casanova's picture, and may take the form of chronic ailments or frequent mishaps. In reality though, he wants you to refute his words, and convince him you'll stand by him, in spite of any financial or emotional setbacks you'll likely suffer.
In short, you're being manipulated. So fiercely entrenched is the Borderline's need to control his reality, he must regularly create opportunities to pull himself back from the brink of disaster. The enlivening challenge of repeatedly surmounting those early traumas, gave him a semblance of power--which is key to his self-defeating compulsions.
Like Houdini, he's compelled to keep surviving perilous conditions, just to prove to himself that he can--but even Houdini finally succumbed to one of his death-defying performances! For this Borderline to begin tolerating love, success and a real sense of joy, there has to be a paradigm shift. This takes some hard core therapy, which challenges everything he grew up believing about himself. If he's wrestling with addictions, they're not just used to numb his pain--they're used to foil his glee, for he is considerably more at ease with struggle.
He's the Eternal Martyr; it's simpler to keep circling the drain, than to climb out of the sink. You could crave that sense of emotional attunement you had in the beginning, but seldom find or retrieve it. Casanova typically had a Borderline mother, or one with BPD traits. Given her inherent lack of boundaries, she might have been playfully seductive with her maturing son, expecting him to respond to her charismatic, alluring moods when she felt empty, or dissatisfied with her romantic partnership.
He'd also develop a grandiose sense of mastery over women, in terms of how to please, seduce and control them. Throughout adulthood, this entrenched, narcissistic false-self would mask boyhood insecurities. The borderline disordered male typically learns about being a Man, from his mother. As absurd as this sounds, she was the more influential presence in his life. Borderline mothers may try to mold their sons into somebody who's very different from the man they've married, which has far reaching repercussions for a boy's self-esteem.
Alas, he is tragically the seed of his father's loins--and subconsciously there's no way around this shame; "if my dad's bad, so am I. This boy sadly has no choice but to observe a parental dynamic which will catalyze codependency issues, narcissistic grandiosity and pathological perfectionism as he grows to adulthood.
Casanova's ideation of women could have easily been sullied by his mother's continuous parade of lovers if she was single --or extra-marital affairs if she wasn't. Her moral deficits and unbridled impulses forced her son to compete for attention with every stranger who shared her bed, while no consideration was given to how her choices impacted him.
Shame gets triggered for a boy whose mother acts whorishly. He has to either normalize her indiscretions in order to tolerate them--or hate her for betraying his respect and trust. That old saying, "pay attention to how a man treats his mother" has merit , but you'd better pay much closer attention to how his mother has treated him! Any affection or positive attention he got from Mom was solely on her terms, and based on her immediate need for contact or mirroring--not his.
He came to learn that her ebullient episodes meant that he'd receive a few crumbs of nourishment from her--but this was always predicated on her moods , and it was fleeting. In this manner, she programmed him to place his own feelings, needs and interests aside to respond to hers--because God only knows when this feel-good opportunity would come around again. In-between these pleasurable experiences with Mother, he was abandoned or rejected and shamed.
As there were no alternate means for him to fortify this bond, he learned to objectify females or love only a parts of them , to meet his cravings for connection. Sex addiction is fairly common among males who've acquired BPD traits. Rather than growing up with a trusted, supportive maternal presence, he's been cast into a complex adult role of gratifying his mother's needs for attention--and has been used to fuel her narcissism.
This early conditioning sets him up for rescuing compulsions--but he feels most confident and powerful with his ability to seduce and satisfy. Such is the tragic outcome of emotional incest by a narcissistic parent. Casanova likes being flirtatious with you, as it fuels his ego when you return what he construes as interest or attraction--but that doesn't mean he wants to pursue something more.
Instantly, there are all kinds of obstacles that prevent his meeting outside the confines of your safe interplay. This guy seems accessible--and yet he's terrified of closeness with any female, he might actually value. If you confront this directly, he'll put it back on your plate; you of course, are the one who's responsible for this not going further--the "mixed signals" are always attributed to you.
Long-term relationships are pretty rare for this guy, due to fears of intimacy. To assuage this concern, he'll be prone to having affairs or triangulating his relationships with various substances or behaviors that help him manage his terror about getting too close, or having someone really matter.
You may be the 'perfect' lover or wife, and he'll still cheat--or work far too many hours. It isn't about you. It's about his lifelong struggle with closeness, abandonment and engulfment. You are not equipped to fix this. He can maintain connection with his past lovers in this manner, after promising you he's broken it off. Again, he feels worthless and dead inside without all this auxiliary attention, and the roots of this addiction are buried in his boyhood.
He may tell you every day, that he "loves" you--but his actions don't back it up, and the words start feeling hollow. You'll begin to resent hearing them, as you've recognized they have no meaning anymore, and they never make a dent in your loneliness.
Your marriage feels like a sham; he's the roommate now, who still expects husband privileges. His narcissism prevents him from noticing your pain, or identifying with it. He's in his own little bubble, which won't burst until you've left--or kicked him out. This is when you'll see the 'waterworks' tears and hear about his remorse. You've probably been here before. Will you forgive him again? Borderline males are passive-aggressive. They'll hide out in their caves until you back off anything that pertains to your relationship, rather than have an honest conversation with you on important issues.
Half the time, I'd work to fix that mess--until my therapist back then, set me straight. There's nothing worse than having someone exit a relationship this way. You're damned if you open your mouth because you get abandoned by him, and damned if you don't, because you're betraying yourself. This song by Willie Nelson may strike a chord. Passive aggression in the Borderline man, means that he usually fights like a girl.
Rather than direct verbal expression about how he actually feels , he'll throw cunty, bitchy, sarcastic comments your way. These are often muttered under his breath--but sometimes, they're loudly hurled at you during a battle and it's impossible to defend yourself. Either way, it's dirty fighting.
God help you, if you point out anything the narcissist or borderline perceives as criticism. Narcissism inhibits the ability to peer into one's own mirror, and see the cracks there. Neither of these personality disorders can tolerate any deficits or shortcomings within the Self; that would involve the capacity to view their real nature--rather than just the false-self they've constructed to defend against inner fragility.
The Narcissist would sooner amputate you out of his life, and cut off the offending part you that's highlighted his failings, than maintain connection no matter how nourishing the attachment. Nobody is exempt from being excised; not his child, his sibling, his therapist, his closest buddy, nobody. The intense shame that's invoked when you've seen behind his grandiose mask, is the primary reason he keeps himself at arms length in Love.
Such was the demise of my thirty-year friendship with Brybaby. Your Borderline may assure you of how much 'therapy' he's had. In my world, there's a humongous difference between psychotherapy and healing work. If he still struggles with an active eating disorder or substance abuse problem, and his passive-aggressive behaviors are driving you nuts, there's something very wrong there.
Movie Make-up was the Classic Narcissist who needed to be needed. This was a sexy little guy, and I wanted to get into his knickers-- but oh, what a price I paid. His emotional ambivalence and mixed signals were so blatant, he inspired my piece on passive aggression. It was quite obvious, he had to control the nature and pacing of his relationships. A comment he'd made on our second date , informed me there was zero potential for any future; "I'm a vegan-vegetarian, and that's my religion.
I can't see myself building a life with someone who owns leather furniture. That was ok--I wanted his body. I grew fond of him, but compartmentalized the sex which wasn't all that hard, in this case.
His comments throughout our affair implied he had me in the girlfriend box or needed me to think so , but I knew the instant I got on that train, I'd be bumped at the next stop. Since he couldn't control my emotions, he had to control the sex. In short, he cut me off. When I asked about this, he denied anything was wrong. He'd feign illness to avoid making love, but then he'd tease and arouse me--only to depart, and leave me hanging.
Underneath his 'nice guy' facade, this man is sadistic, which kept manifesting sexually during our time together: Chronic p remature ejaculation is a passive-aggressive issue that's a facet of male impotency.
Casanova's quick orgasmic release serves only him of course, and the woman's needs be damned. To be clear; this is a male's withholding on the most intimate level of human contact there is, and it's latent unresolved rage from childhood.
The acting-out behaviors don't start immediately, but the lying usually does. He'll tell you what he needs you to believe about him--nothing more or less. If you haven't grown to rely on your instincts and intuitions past childhood , you could be a sitting duck for this guy. Our extra-sensory aspects are God-given at birth, and they're meant to serve and protect us!
Shutting down or discarding difficult feelings early in life, leaves us with deficits that come back to haunt us, in adulthood. Even your fight or flight reflex is on the blink, because you've learned to think your way through life, as opposed to feeling your way along. This can be fixed. You keep wondering what has happened to that amazing connection you felt initially, because it's feeling very different now. These changes tend to creep on rather insidiously; perhaps his nasty moods were prompted by something work related, or someone else.
Naturally, you might have tried to comfort or cheer him up--but this often made him more irritable or angry. He may have told you it had nothing to do with you--but it certainly didn't feel that way.
Despite all this, you've courageously hung in there, hoping to recapture that delicious sense of intimacy and closeness you shared at the start, but the more you've reached for it, the more it's eluded you. You can't initiate any conversations about these disconcerting changes that aren't turned right back on you; "If you would only be more understanding, patient, supportive, loving, etc. But he'll never do this! You may occasionally hear an "I'm sorry," though he's way too damaged and narcissistic to admit any errors or shortcomings.
In truth, mostly everything this man dumps on you, is a projection. You're a bit too willing to absorb it, due to some unresolved childhood pain--and the fact that you've been too hard on yourself, all these years. Dealing with his abuse feels easier than being alone with You, because when you're beating-up on yourself, you can't defend against your attacker.
Spousal abuse is just one of the ways that borderline pathology plays out in men. Borderline males live with substantial emotional wounds left over from childhood, that are difficult to face--much less, feel. It's considerably easier for males to be mad than sad --and since anger is an activating emotion, it provides temporary relief from more vulnerable sensations, like depression, guilt, self-loathing, fear, disempowerment, etc. We get a far more accurate picture of a Borderline's inner pain, when he's crying and deeply remorseful, after landing his wife or girlfriend in a hospital's emergency ward.
This is the only time he can express fragile emotions, without intense self-reproach. To suggest that domestic violence goes on between normal folks, is lunacy. Sobbing and pleadings for forgiveness are associated with abandonment trauma left over from boyhood. His deep sense of despair after painful beatings or a parent's withdrawal for perceived transgressions no matter how 'perfectly' he behaved , left him with shame.
Toxic shame is not related to your injuries--it's a remnant from his childhood anguish. Infant neglect and childhood abuse are at the crux of this disorder. There could be sexual molestation or incest in his background, which left him with questions concerning his sexual identity, or the viability of his masculine essence.
Self-worth issues stemming from childhood will erupt in some way, at some point. Since she's elicited his sympathy and concern, she's the parent with whom he can identify and is the lesser of two evils, in fact.
Childhood beatings do not in themselves, spawn Borderline pathology. The roots of this disorder involve betrayal by an adult 'caregiver,' who fails to protect a child from harm, or another's cruelty.
It appears that singer, Michael Jackson was a tragic victim of this upbringing. It's a commonly known fact, that the Jackson kids suffered terrible abuses at the hands of their father, while their mother appears to have turned a blind eye to it, and hid behind her religious convictions.
In my opinion, she's more responsible for her children's emotional and psychological disturbances. How can any child fault the parent who's so devout, and blatantly pious? Even the notion of doing so, is tantamount to challenging God , which is considered a "sin" that threatens to bring far more wrath. In a sense, he's imprisoned by a warden who overlooks the atrocities that are dealt him.
Twelve-step programs and strong religious affiliations can also help him escape the constant torment, haranguing and abuse that lands on his defenseless kids instead. A parent who scapegoats their child for abuse by the other parent, is in my opinion, a despicable coward.
I'm always astounded, when I work with clients who have any trust in God or sense of spirituality, when they've survived horrible cruelty at the hands of their parents! The stories I hear are utterly heartbreaking, in context of the pain these people have endured, and I'm amazed at their capacity to even approach trusting me.
When you own a vagina, you're targeted for Casanova's charm and charisma, because he must win you over, to satisfy his profound needs for validation. Even therapeutic professionals are 'open game' for someone with borderline features.
Some have stated they couldn't work with me, because regardless of our huge age disparity , I'm "too attractive. If a Borderline is in treatment, the therapist is an 'object' to manipulate and bend to his control, because he must control all his relationships. He can be alternately seductive and belligerent during treatment--yep, a regular Jekyll and Hyde. Some weeks, the therapist is "brilliant," and he's ecstatic to have found him or her.
Other sessions, he's devaluing, argumentative, petulant, sarcastic, etc. You could literally feel like you need a shower afterwards, to wash off the toxic residue that's left in his wake. Significant lapses in his childhood memory are silent clues as to how much abuse, neglect and emotional betrayal he had to endure and dissociate from as a little boy. I've seen tremendous denial in these men, with reference to idealization of one parent, and rejection of the other--based on who they've come to believe inflicted the least or most psychic injury.
The Borderline in treatment may be 'A Lifer' in long-term care, particularly if he's tried to get his needs met through standard therapy. He's armored, and his defenses are thick, and often impenetrable. Neither B orderlines nor Narcissists can tolerate therapeutic misattunements. Their desire to distance or cut off therapy especially when it's getting close to a nerve or breakthrough , is pretty common. Some of these individuals try to flood themselves with numerous other modalities that help diffuse their reliance on any single source for help I call this The Buckshot Method ; such is the extent of their attachment concerns and abandonment terror.
A sound, meaningful therapeutic endeavor helps one experience corrective, authentic interplay leading to conflict resolution, which involves two beings. The client ideally takes this newfound ability into his private world, having learned the critical distinction between two hands clapping, rather than just one--which his narcissism had halted earlier.
Naturally, the question begs to be asked: Where else would he learn intimacy skills?? Casanova often plays musical chairs with therapists. His needs are profound, but given his inherent trust issues, there's less threat if he spreads himself thin--and has a stable to choose from, the minute he's in crisis. He's a serial patient, who's unlikely to spend any more than two years consecutively in treatment. If this natural stage isn't addressed by the therapist, and resolution cannot be gained, the client leaves--feeling that his needs can no longer be responded to.
Casanova's difficulties are characterological, meaning intrinsic or core to how he's orchestrated his life and relationships. Inevitably, the same issues resurface in his next romantic catastrophe, and he begins anew with another therapist. Why won't he resume with the last one who helped? His shame at being back in this hole in the road prevents it--and his fragile ego can't handle being that exposed or vulnerable.
If this male's mother had BPD Waif features, he grew up having to meet her needs for attention, mirroring, flattery, emotional soothing, etc. She could have made him her confidant in adult matters--especially concerning issues with his dad.
Her awareness of his needs is painfully limited, so he welcomes this 'surrogate husband' job, which at least provides vicarious satisfaction. Codependency and engulfment concerns resulting from this boyhood dynamic are then transferred onto all later attachments. There's an automatic reflex that comes into play with a mother-enmeshed man. Sensations of closeness are entwined with loss of Self. Thus, his inner narrative becomes; "if I get too close to you, I'll have to relinquish too much of me.
Hence, profound control issues have evolved, and he'll only choose females with whom he thinks he can maintain the upper hand. A needy, BPD female perfectly fits this paradigm--at least at the onset.
A man who persistently chooses borderline women, has severe attachment fears. He has little frame of reference for someone being responsive to his needs, and his grandiosity can't tolerate it. He must remain in the one-up control position with all his relationships, and destroy any type of connection that doesn't afford him this opportunity. Solid inner work can invoke feelings of needing the therapist, which instantly produce anxiety.
This catalyzes his reflex to sabotage that relationship with 'tests' he suspects may result in abandonment.
There’s nothing sexier than a hot male escort offering you the deluxe treatment in bed. So, book your sexy gigolo and have some fun. The hottest callboys in . THE MALE BORDERLINE Surviving the Crash after your Crush. By Shari Schreiber, M.A. www.playnewzealandgolf.com The following material was written for individuals trying to recover from a relationship that's had toxic consequences for them, and is not intended as a support resource for Borderlines or anyone with BPD traits. I went for a massage and the masseur started touching the hair on my balls and then lightly stroking the hair on my hole. My cock was so hard.